Have you ever wondered what the heck you’re doing here right now?😐 I’ve wondered so many times, it’s given me more than a dozen headaches. I write because of this, to run away from that feeling of emptiness. I know lots of people do it, being in denial, finding stuff to fill that emptiness like education, jobs, alcohol, sex and all that.:(
Well I’m sick of running away. I know I lack a lot of things in life but I’ve lost all meaning all together.😵 I really wonder if spirituality has anything to do with it. I stopped believing because I don’t like how this world works at all. There’s so many negative things in my life, even when I follow the positivity crap that people always go on about. “Oh think positively, it will all be okay.” Yeah Yeah I’ve been there and done that it will take me a lot to get back to that state. No I’m not being stubbornly negative, I’m just too tired, I need answers first. 😟
So I grew up as a Christian, and when people ask me of my religion I say that. Funny because I don’t really believe in that. 😅I used to think God was so like the best, but I grew up and got caught up in philosophy so….yep I got a bit skeptic. I mean I’ve got a lot of anger against God. I stopped believing in him in my times of hurt, but I thank him when good things happen, I don’t know it’s ingrained onto my brain😧. So since I don’t believe in him, I’m stuck between being religious and being an atheist. I mean I see the world before me and think, it should have been made by something, because I don’t believe in the big bang theory. 😂I hate science when it comes to things like that, but that’s a topic for another day when something related to science makes me angry. 😒I kinda believed in the whole enlightenment and kyballion and stuff but it never helped. I learnt about quantum physics, just a bit, by a bit I mean a page that someone had written on this other website I found. Anyways it told me about universal laws, I tried out that theory, it didn’t work, it actually p***ed me off.😤 I read about this metaphysics guy and his teachings, also didn’t work. I thought to myself maybe I should just forget about spirituality but still I’m finding it hard to find the meaning to life. 😯
It’s weird how other people find what I dismissed works for them. Oh well I don’t know if I should be glad or worried that I didn’t find any meaning in what they’re doing. The meaning of life is so big. 😰I know that there is one key thing I need to find so that the rest of my life makes sense. I mean the reason why life can be so miserable, or why people are rich and some are poor (me 😫). Why people fall in and out of love?😥 Why things don’t last? :(It’s all in my brain. I know that I’m over thinking a lot of stuff but it grinds my gears when people just act so darn ridiculous just because the bible says so, or just because society says. Don’t people have their own brains to think, I know my brain is over working and getting nowhere but at least I’m defining my life in a way that kinda works for me:'(, okay maybe I need a few more things so that it can fully work me. Oh story of my life.😵
Does life have a meaning anyways? See that’s the problem in being an atheist I think, there’s no heaven to look forward to or a God to serve. 😑Well some people say that the meaning of life is for us to live, that we’ve woken up so we should be grateful and use up the day we’re given. But of course my negative self goes like this, “why the heck did I wake up only to not be able to accomplish anything even with the effort I’ve put in.” And then that stupid crazy irritating person comes to me and says “hm maybe it wasn’t much effort “.😠 At that point I have the option to punch that person, go at them, agree with them or just give them that look that says “SERIOUSLY”😤. I swear one day I will punch a person so bad, I might even break their jaw 😑. So obviously that meaning didn’t sit well with me.😆
I once had this answer that it was for happiness. It’s the one that managed to last longer compared to the other ideas. It was good I tell you, I was Mrs Positive, I never let things get to me, I had a job, things were going great, and I mean great. It was because of Dr. Dyer‘s book, Your Erroneous Zones. It became my bible, I read it everyday, went about my business, read positive affirmations and just had a positivity to-do list. 😎It was the best time, I had so much love for life, I was in love with the idea of living.😍 I had dreams and goals that were being accomplished. Something happened though and all that I’d come to believe just got destroyed and I never felt the same again. I do think about going back, I tried but it never worked so I now have to take a new route.😬
The meaning of life, having goals, living to the fullest. Is it possible to find that answer? Should I keep on going or should I just be like everyone else who just go about life without questioning it.:? I hate life you know, the reason being when you learn something new which works better, there is never any sense in going back to the worst way. So I can’t go back to what I used to be, I don’t know why anyone would just do things just because. Now that is the worst of all the ideas I’ve found and it’s sad. You find someone who’s stuck in a job they don’t like, they always complain about it, but they’ll stay, just because they need a job. I mean I need a job but settling for a job I don’t like never works, I put myself first in stuff. Maybe that’s why the happiness idea ended up failing for me. I just only knew how to satisfy myself but never others.
I need an idea. One that allows me to live happily within but with freedom to handle stressful situations involving others. I hope to find the meaning soon. My life depends on it, definitely. 🙌
Oh well that’s it I guess. I know I will find a new idea that will serve me for the next years.😶 I just need to keep the important things locked in my brain, I don’t want to lose any value in my life. I mean every moment spent is a moment written in our individual lives. 😫When we lose that individuality we lose the sense of being, the sense of uniqueness. 😫Of all things to lose, being one’s self is not one of them. 😷We are individuals, and we will die so.
Within is what we truly are, our values and standards which define us. If we lose that we lose an important piece to our lives which disturbs the world in general. Let’s choose wisely. 😁😁😁😁