Life, is complicated!

The ups and downs sometimes really feel like you’re on a roller coaster or are walking on unsteady ground.

You feel the ground trembling under your feet. How long can you keep walking, giving up feels a lot easier so you lie down but now your whole body is trembling from fear. The pitfall in this is that, now you are having to put up with this tension in your body, so you start to feel sick. Your only best option is the plan you gave up on in the first place.

Do you feel sick forever or get up and continue walking; be uncomfortable forever or only until you step onto safer ground. Change is uncomfortable but staying the same is self-defeating. Fear can only be conquered by doing more of the things we fear, the irony. I choose to find happiness, and I will get there no matter the struggles.

Lust

The deep waves of the ocean,

Rocking us into rhythm,

The taste of the salted waters,

The storm is coming.

To feel deep inside,

The explosion of two forces,

Where are we going,

To the depths of the sea.

The feeling of power,

Devoured by the tightness,

Crazed by the pulsing currents,

At shore we finally rest.

Angry

I am in a dark place,

A place so lonely the sound of a needle falling can be heard.

I wonder, why I am so.

It hurts inside.

Boiling, I feel my heart be heavy,

It’s difficult to breathe.

I feel sick, my stomach is turning.

Just taking a simple breath becomes near impossible.

People understand pain and anger.

Not a lot understand repression of it.

The skys turn blue, the sun comes out.

It brings brightness and never seizes to be a globe of fire.

Yet here I am, feeling the gloom of the world.

Freedom is an arm’s length away, but yet too far to reach.

What drives people, I am driven by madness.

Life is a mystery, everyone is mysterious.

Why do I feel a sense of grandeur in my pain.

Such a victim of my own mind.

Letters I write constantly to myself.

Be better, be okay, forever narrating my sob story.

Take me away, lay me in the middle of a calm sea.

Wash my burdens away and make me whole again.

I cry in the sorrows of my life but life is just that.

I don’t understand anything, so, do I open that door?

A door of darkness, no, I live to fight another day.

The day is close but try I will, to keep that door closed.

Life does get better, it’s nothing but emotional pain.

Everything will be alright.

Trust

Trust is something hard to come by. How do you trust someone as human as you? If you do trust, will it be worth it.

What makes a person trustworthy? I ask because I find that people toss around that word without really thinking what that word means. Someone may ask me to trust them, why should I put my heart on the line like that? Are people really that easy to trust, and what happens when they break that trust? Why do people need trust to establish relationships if they know that the person will one day break their trust?

I am loyal to myself hence the reason why I don’t trust just anyone. Why do people get put off if you try to test them before you trust them? Isn’t it natural that I would want to protect myself. Life is too short to give myself away to anyone who asks  for my trust. Trust to me means that I am giving my soul to the person I’m trusting. I understand that people make mistakes but do I trust that the person will be upfront when it comes to confessing their pitfalls. I know that I find it difficult to admit it, but I do it out of my self-values of honesty. How many people believe in honesty these days? How do you trust someone who is a liar? I don’t live in a court so I’m not going to swear everyone on the bible when I ask them a question.

I hurt so easily and have high standards. I understand the world from my perspective because it’s the only set of eyes I was given. When I think about a blind person, I wonder why they trust people will lead them to the right location. How can someone who doesn’t see do that, is it because they have no other option? Do they believe that people are good? Do I believe that people are good, and if I don’t, why don’t I?

I love my pet, I trust it. I understand that it will act instinctively every time, but humans are not like that. They are unpredictable and if one person says one thing, doesn’t mean that everyone will say it. People have different motives in different situations. I can’t  trust, I really can’t but there’s nothing wrong with trusting someone. I guess it’s what makes living in this world a little easier. If we didn’t trust each other then we’d be plotting against each other at every turn. Our world would be more chaotic than it is. I try to compensate my inability to trust with compassion. That is one thing I’m able to do regardless of the person, I guess some people just aren’t meant to be able to trust. Maybe one day I’ll find someone worth trusting but until then I will keep myself out of harm’s way, whatever harm means.

Racial Preferences

One of those topics that make you cringe. I came from Africa to Europe and I have to say that dating has taken a really weird turn.

In Africa, I find that men took a lot of initiative in the whole process. The majority were black people so I was fine. I used to be deemed as one of the hottest girls and it got me all loved up. I enjoyed the attention. I would have a crush here and there on a non-black person, because in Africa, Caucasians were the minority. Now all these things changed when I moved this side of the hemisphere, Caucasians are the majority, so now I’m a minority. My beauty level went from a nine to being a mere six, ouch. I have to say that I felt the pain of the fall. Being minority is not fun at all, now I know how all those Caucasians in Africa felt like. This whole experience has got me thinking about racial preferences.

Some people from the minority groups feel that having a racial preference is racist, I don’t. I understand why only a few Caucasian people find me attractive, it’s because they are the majority. There’s a lot of Caucasian people in these countries so why the heck would they have a preference for an African girl. In their eyes, they are probably not used to people like us, whether you grew up in Europe or not. They will go for people who almost resemble their women, so they might date a Chinese girl because they have fair skin and long straight hair. I found that the top reason a Caucasian guy will date me is after they get to know me, so dating sites are not the best place to be if you’re looking for serious connection, I think. Anyways the reason I’m talking about the majority is because in the years I’ve been here, I’ve only met a handful of black guys I’d be willing to date. So with that said, I don’t understand why some black people feel offended when they see an interracial couple. Why should it be surprising when there aren’t a lot of black people to go around? You want a better chance, then go to Africa.

There’s nothing wrong with interracial couples, just because you see one, doesn’t mean everyone will “all of a sudden” start dating outside their culture. Even though there will be people willing to date outside, most will date from within their culture and it’s not racist, whether you were born here or not. Just so you know, I’m speaking for myself as a black woman. Lucky for me, I don’t have a racial preference or a gender preference, so I’m good to go. I just think that people should stop calling people racist because they’re not part of the majority, especially when it comes to dating. Sure there’s racist people out there but I don’t think it’s fair to any majority to say that they’re racist based on your own biases. If black people were in China then would the Chinese be racists, or does it only reflect on Caucasians?

We should not be looking at more reasons to call others racist, but rather deal with the reality that we are all equal especially at work and in society. We are more than our race, we are individuals with likes and dislikes, not everything should come back to race. The sooner we realise this, the better we can get along.

 

Staying grounded

I have been thinking to myself lately about how sometimes we forget who we are because of society and peer pressure. Chasing after things that in reality aren’t very useful in our journey.

Such things as movies, fashion, holidays and even educational merits. The year is ending and for most people it’s a time to look back and evaluate on our lives.I really don’t like this time for a lot of different reasons. One of them is how everyone is all about comparing achievements. Oh, so and so went to Iceland, well the other learnt how to speak Mandarin. Have you watched the latest season of this, have you been promoted, I bought a new house, well I achieved my Masters degree? Honestly, we all do it; it’s just something that’s been ingrained in our brains. We can’t help but try to keep up with the Joneses. Well, most of us have done this a lot this year, I know I have; but has it been worth it?

To me it hasn’t, this year I noticed that most of my stress came from trying to please everyone but myself. I became so driven by what other people were doing that I lost sight of what was important to me. I don’t need to have a Mercedes to be happy, public transport is as good as owning a car. I stopped myself from achieving my goals because I thought I wasn’t perfect enough to do it.I was paralysed, thinking to myself that I just wasn’t good enough. I have wanted to start playing Assassin’s Creed for such a long time, but I gave up on that because things didn’t want to come together. I almost gave up on that idea. I mean they keep releasing new games, I felt like just letting it go since my friends were all up to date. I was so caught up in the details that I couldn’t see the bigger picture. How many things that we do are actually taking us forward, and how many things are just unnecessary stresses. Can we really afford to waste our time and money on wasteful things?

I love indulging myself on the good things in life, because sometimes it’s okay to enjoy dining at an expensive restaurant. Doing it every day, whilst earning peanuts, just isn’t worth it. Especially when you’re just doing it for the approval of others. I vow to myself that moving forward I will only do for me. I will spend my time and money on things that are worth it. I am the one who feels happy or sad in my circumstances, not others, so I will let them have their lives. I will be realistic and follow my path regardless of what people say. There will come a day that I will be put to eternal sleep, and I hope when that day comes I would have lived to the most of my capabilities.

Enjoy the last days of this year and cherish them for we will never get them back. Getting into the new year, I hope that we follow our dreams and live our lives to the fullest.

(image: http://www.freeimages.co.uk )

Life without YOU.

 

I felt it,

I felt it as it coursed through my veins,

The excruciating pain moving through my body,

I’ve never felt so much sorrow.

 

It hits me right then,

All that I’d ever felt was real,

I couldn’t live another second without you,

The silence is eating me up,

Not hearing from you,

Not touching you or feeling your presence,

I couldn’t go on without you.

 

Everything ceases to make sense,

Everything is dull,

The life you gave my world,

All taken away into some darkness,

That devours like a hungry beast of hate,

I feel it as the days go by,

I need you,

Without you my heart bleeds forever.

 

I forget what it feels like,

To have emotion becomes like a thing that never existed.

I try to be interested,

I try bright colours,

I try positive affirmations,

I try humour; song; friendship,

Nothing does help.

 

Will my life be ever so empty,

Will I ever feel…,

Feel whole again?

Time holds me here,

Only you can heal me,

Only you can make me alive again.

But only I will continue wondering,

When will you realise?

Will you ever and so,

I send my heart to you,

My heart holds my hope,

And I wait in hope,

For it to bring you back to me.