Let’s make life better for everyone!!

Being vulnerable in any way is a curse on this planet. People see you as an easy target for all sorts of things. They say they’ve built institutions to help these vulnerable people, they say the law is on our side but the truth is, when push comes to shove, the vulnerable are the first to be shoved off. It’s a sad thing to experience first hand and it hurts. Yes, there’s good people out there but not enough. Life is short, I shouldn’t have to spend it miserable because of other people. No one should experience trauma or hurt because of someone else, we need to fix that. The fight is not over.

Perfection

I recently experienced a lesson on perfectionism. I had decided to draw a portrait of my favourite character and I was just struggling. I spent about four months avoiding it because I knew I didn’t have the skills for it. My therapist and uncle were very helpful in my growth. They told me that perfection was just a fad and at the end of the day, it’s the experience that counts. It’s what we learn that counts. So I just did what I could and posted the damn drawing, and to my surprise people liked it. I mean I don’t like the way it looks but I didn’t die from completing it. I actually saw my problem areas and my good areas in drawing portraits. The process also taught me so much that I wouldn’t have noticed if I had continued in my perfectionist mind.

Well I know we all struggle with a bit of perfectionism, especially in this age of social media. Everyone seems to have perfect lives, we have become super fake. We pretend that we’re perfect only to suffer in silence behind closed doors. We think that as long as no one sees our imperfections we’ll be fine. We become impatient with other people’s mistakes and imperfections, yet we know that we’re not perfect ourselves. I realised recently that I was carrying a racist belief but now I know my mistake and I am learning and embracing the facts that Caucasians do listen to African American music too and well other music produced by other races. It’s awful realising an imperfection but we’re human and the important thing is that we learn and change.

Perfectionism is hurtful when it comes to building relationships. We put each other on such high pedestals that we don’t give each other time to learn and get to know each other. We expect that people will read our minds, we want them to live up to that ideal so much we forget that they are separate people with their own experiences. We dismiss someone based on opinions instead of taking the time to swallow our pride and talk. We want instant results and anything short of that is a disease. Some people even exploit our perfectionistic disposition so that we don’t even know how to fail. We find ourselves fearing success, experience, uniqueness because we’re too blind to understand the world as it is. Not long ago someone committed suicide because they weren’t perfect enough to deal with the rise of a pandemic, even now our Prime Minister is blamed for not acting fast enough, as if he is God? Everyone is on the same boat at the end of the day.

It’s not a bad thing to want to be better or do something the best way it can be done. I think it becomes a problem when we find ourselves living double lives and being unable to experience life to the fullest. Let’s stop being so hard on ourselves and on each other. Let’s embrace each other’s uniqueness. Can we just take each other as work in progress? Can we accept that we are all separate beings just trying to live this confusing life? Mistakes and failure don’t mean we’re forever broken, they just mean there’s room for improvement and there’s lots of knowledge and professionals ready to help be it in a Math class or in therapy. There’s always help given to those who seek it in the right places. 🙂

Mental illness, something personal.

Sometimes I find it hilarious that people don’t realise how mentally ill I am. They see me picking myself up and trying my best to lead a normal life, they don’t realise that I have so many things in place to help me cope with every single day I continue living on this earth.

Dying is something only a few can control, especially your own death. People are living longer and don’t realise the repercussions of this. For them it’s fun having a life, it’s a journey they want to keep extending. I, on the other hand, don’t have the same drive. When I think about living until I’m 90, I just feel a huge sadness creeping in. I don’t like thinking about the future, I just want to work with what’s in the moment. I appreciate it when people come to me for support because they believe I have beat mental illness but they don’t realise it’s a constant struggle. I work hard to not be depressed, I work hard to be mentally stable, I work hard to be a good person.

After fighting the battle of depression for so long and then being thwarted when I show great progress is very defeating. It makes it hard to just think about going through the excruciating experience again, and why would you even want that? You don’t get a reward for beating depression, all you get is more and more criticism from what you can’t achieve. I just want to achieve a stable life, especially after all the crazy experiences that I’ve been through.

I dislike it when people just judge you based on your past versions. I hate how people don’t take the time to understand what stuff you’ve been through. The causes of mental illness are important. I may have been able to secure a job but that’s just half of the story. I may have been able to hold a job for some months but that’s half of the story. I had to resign my job because of stigma but that’s only half of the story. Yes, I did try to commit suicide and yes I used to self harm, but look at how far I’ve come. When will it be enough?

Sometimes I actually think that maybe they actually don’t want to see me get better. I say this because I am reminded of my incomplete self at every turn. Labels follow me around even when I don’t want them in my life. They ask you why you’re depressed but are never there to support your recovery. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light when there is a crowd in front of you.

There are lots of us who struggle with mental illness, and it’s all on a spectrum. Some can’t even get out of bed, some can’t even get out of the house, some can get jobs, some can have family and friends. My story is this that I’ve shared, and that’s just the half of it. I don’t want to be defined by things I cannot control or by my failures. Failures are important to help us grow. I am not afraid to be myself because I deserve that freedom too. Everyone with a mental illness needs that support to help them realise that it’s okay, it’s the little things that count. The little things that make life a bit more bearable. Society is full of good and bad people, but education about these things can help reduce the stigma that holds a lot of people back.

Congratulations for coming this far in life, you deserve to be appreciated for the effort you put in everyday even if it doesn’t seem that much to you.

It’s just life…

*Trigger warning* This will either depress you or motivate you, you decide.

Another year has been given to me to spend on this earth, not sure whether to be happy or not. I seem to be having better days. I see the things that hold me back and I’m getting rid of them because sometimes suicide is not the answer. Sometimes it’s just about changing your environment and letting go of your physical body, seeing it for what it is. It’s about embracing death instead of being afraid of it. I feel more alive now more than when I felt weak for not being able to commit suicide.

Another year, another day to get through. But what if I make it fun because we’re all going to die someday anyway? I mean I don’t mean go around hurting people, but when you just concentrate on a bit of hedonism you’ll realise that life is a lot fun. I experienced a great experience which almost broke me physically and yet I’ve never felt more alive. It’s that moment right before it happened that I realised that life was not as boring as I had thought. Mental healthiness is a serious thing and I realise how we spend so much of our life living someone else’s dreams and expectations. We live other people’s fears and we take them as our own and if you had a harsh parent those things are deeply engrained. It’s sad because we almost become our parents, luckily some people find a way to break from those shackles. I think every adult should be encouraged to learn about themselves because the world is robbed from the amazing wonder each of us brings when we’re not held back by fear.

Fear affects people differently. Fear paralyses me, I find myself being afraid of what might happen if I take the plunge. That was before I learnt not to be afraid of life. I started to realise that the worst thing that could happen to me is to die but I don’t particularly want to end it so the best way forward is to chase death in a fun way. A way in which will leave no regrets because it’s either I feel fear and depression and have lots of regrets, or I experience life, be content and have no regrets. Society is full of rules and laws, I think these things are important because no man is an island but sometimes we need to understand whether those rules are helping us or imprisoning us. Morality and being ethical is the best thing. We treat people as we want to be treated whilst living our full lives.

The thing is, only you’re the one who’s going to experience your death bed, you are going to die alone. You are going to be depressed alone. You are going to suffer alone. People are quick to judge and instil fear onto others because it makes them feel better about their own lives. Most don’t care whether you are happy or not, it’s about what’s right to them. Unfortunately it is easy to take that negative talk to heart but by being aware of everything, mindful, we can start to notice what influences our thoughts. We can start to filter that which is not helpful. We can start to realise that other people are separate from us, we start to watch how we communicate with others so that we are not influencing others horribly either.

Life is a mystery and everyday I learn something new and exciting about myself. I find that I can do things that I never thought I’d feel comfortable doing. I am kind to myself and don’t expect myself to be perfect and in turn I realise that others are going through their own struggles. I am still struggling with some things but I am grateful for where I am now. Life to me has become about progressing through the journey, levelling up to reach the pinnacle of my life and when I get there I would have enjoyed life for what it is, hardships and happiness. It’s just life, that’s all it is, only death is inevitable, everything else is up to us.

My past does not define me!

A lot of people have simple lives. They are born, have a loving home, move out to university, come back home or start working and become an adult in a loving and supportive environment. They settled down and have kids and grow old, then they die. Not everyone has that. When I look at my past it’s filled with little love. I used to believe that was what made me who I am, but I’ve come so far.

I look at my past and see tragedy, but when I look at my future, I see love and happiness. I believe that there is more to life than what we are born into. We become adults and if we’re lucky enough we get help and then find ourselves living fulfilling lives. Some people don’t like that. Cinderella stories are real and they happen on a daily basis to different people. People get to a point where it’s either a happy life or death. It’s at that moment that people choose to change their lives for the better. Maybe they’ve have found themselves in prison, or on the brink of suicide, or in an abusive environment. It’s that one last thought that reminds you of the idea of freedom. Freedom to use your human rights.

Family is a good thing, society is a good thing but unfortunately some people find themselves being the black sheep in different environments. It creates an inner turmoil, some may call it mental illness or mental health issues. These are natural to have when the environment around you isn’t loving. You feel alone and invisible but do not worry, there is something called self-love. Self-love gave me the motivation to read self-help books, when that wasn’t working I turned to alcohol but that led me back to the life I didn’t want. So I finally did it, I sought help through therapy. I have used motivational videos, positive vibes mentality, therapy, medication, new friendships and better environments around me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, the title of this post is telling a story of how some people don’t like to see Cinderella happy. There will be a lot of ugly step sisters and step mothers figuratively speaking. They are the toxic people who are jealous, complainers, enjoy their victimhood, people who are energy vampires because unfortunately real life is a dog eat dog world. There will be triggers, people trying to remind you of how you’re not worth it, people will poke you wanting to see that dark side return. They are usually not caring and they bring up the past at every turn. Some of the times it’s just stuck people who’ve been through the same struggles and they end up keeping you stuck. Self-love and a strong support system goes a long way. People are nice. The news and life experiences may make it seem like we are all doomed for misery but we are not. We have a choice to let go of our past, those things that don’t help us anymore. We are individuals and we can be whatever we choose to be that makes us happy without taking away from anyone else. Don’t let people distort your right to be a worthy human being.

Life is tough and yes people aren’t always nice but that’s normal. We are not always happy, but what I’m saying is that there is a difference between toxicity and support. I know what I am worth and I will not apologise for that. I am not perfect nor do I expect a fantasy, I just know what I don’t want. I cannot change my past but I can actively change my future regardless of whether people are supportive or not. At the end of the day, life has been given to me and as an adult who can think for myself I can only want what’s best for me and show that by creating a better world for myself and others. Hate is everywhere these days, but I refuse to become part of the problem no matter the pressure. I hope you can choose freedom as well.

Endings

Nothing seems to stick for me. I don’t know why. I don’t like giving up on something but there are always signs. The great thing is following those signs, the sad part is experiencing the consequences.

Success draws people in, you won’t believe how people treat you. It’s as if you have a magnet of some sort. People start reappearing and new people start to grace you with their presence. At some point you ask yourself where these people were when you were in darkness? Where were they when you needed them the most, they disappeared.

Once again, I find myself at cross roads. What am I doing with my life? What is there to live for? I don’t like having to convince people to like me, it’s not my business really but when someone goes out of their way to bring me pain, that is a cause for concern. In these situations I find myself asking myself whether all those pills my doctor gave me will dissipate all this anger that I feel.

I hate endings, they tell me that things are not worth pursuing. They confirm my biases toward the world and it’s people. I find myself wondering if everyone goes through these things, and if so, how in the hell do they process these emotions of hate and emptiness. Do they even experience emptiness? If emptiness is something that I will never get rid of then what is the point of it all?

Am I a do-gooder? Is this who I am, a person who is being used by the universe to fix the wrongs dealt onto others, to fix the system, surely there’s better people for the job because I can be a ruthless person. Ruthless in the face of impatience, frustrated by the incompetence and ignorance of other people. Should I have to dwell on every ending as something that I have no control over or should I put myself in a position of righting wrongs? I hate endings, they bring a lot to the surface.

The surface is already dirtied by junk, the last thing I need is more junk from the depths of sorrow rising up to cause me hard work. I am not a diver, I don’t want to stay under the surface dealing with garbage that seems to be infinite. I would prefer to stare at the reflection of the sun hitting the waters, making it look worthwhile.

Living in the past is not fun and I feel I have to put it to bed. Unfortunately people feel the need to intervene with my happiness. I want to be free and I will make it happen. Yes, I have seen a lot within the short period of time I’ve walked this earth but I refuse to stoop low. I don’t know why other people do it but I will not stand for it. I don’t know how long my life will be but it will definitely have some good to it, this I command and will make happen.

Endings are a gateway to new experiences. Endings deliver the icing on the cake, a new journey must begin. Success is a road for the strong-willed, it is a hungry world, only the ones who can turn their weaknesses into triumphs win the race of life. Failure is only welcome because it teaches me that I am human and it humbles me. It helps me take inventory of my skills and it propels me further into the depths of finding and creating meaning in my life.

It is a beginning, one that brings a new mindset, a different perspective, a drive given to me by the lessons from the past. The present is here and it is demanding. Procrastinating, distractions, they only serve to hold me back. What am I afraid of?

Treachery

Shaking, my head feels like exploding. I just want to scream, I want to throw my laptop on the wall. I just feel like ripping my clothes off with rage. I am seething, clenching my teeth I am full of energy, waiting to burst through my skin. My skin is crawling, I scratch at it, I draw blood but it feels good.

Oh…..so dramatic. Maybe I should stop listening to certain music. Nearly lost myself there, I laugh to myself. How did I come to be like this, I feel calm, as if nothing just happened. Confusion, yes, but I don’t have time to dwell on every crazy experience I have, I’d go mad. It’s time to sleep, my mind needs a rest. It’s been a long day.

FraGmenTed SelF

It’s weird as I sit up on my bed,

I don’t know what has happened.

Am I broken?

The false hopes I have developed,

Delusional?

I stare at my hands, is this really me?

What has become of me,

A stranger stares at me in the mirror,

What have I done to myself?

Emotions flood me, I am suffocating.

My mind racing, filled with distant memories.

I sip my tea,

I can’t remember how I started,

Why this time?

The feeling is unfamiliar yet very real,

Am I lost or am I still dreaming?

Wake up! The sun is shining,

No time for contemplation,

So I go on with my day,

Everything is NoRmaL.

Dreams come true!

The feeling within, that smell of victory. Achieve it. This is the moment to get up and reclaim ourselves, it’s never too late, no matter the falls. We transform and fly away to experience each new adventure that is in front of us. This moment is the one to experience. Life is a given nothing less. Nothing stands in front of us, we are not chained to our pasts.

I didn’t understand when I saw other people happy. I would remember it vaguely, it came in and out of my life constantly. The lessons were there but the core was unknown. Now though, I am happy to be where I’m supposed to be. It’s good to continue to hold on and go through the dark tunnels. It helps us find a new way of being, a healthier way. We feel alive and know how it feels to achieve freedom. Our hearts sing because we have finally achieved something we thought we would never achieve. It was scary letting go of the past, the continuous challenges, almost believing I deserved the mediocre, how wrong was I?

Everyday I wake up and I know who I am, but it’s never smooth sailing. The toxicity is always prying, looking for victims. We fall into self sabotage and forget, but then we remember who we are. At the moment of eureka, the lesson is lasered into our brains and we don’t go backward again. It’s time to move on to the real challenges, the challenges to be better in ourselves, to become the best version of ourselves. It’s in that moment you start winning at life. It comes naturally, negativity, toxicity, they no longer have an effect, only positivity comes your way. Even in hard times you have the tools to accomplish it all. Hardship makes for the best success stories. It’s putting the effort in and winning, the victory is the sweetest, try it, it’s available to everyone? It’s being resilient and constantly fighting against the tide never letting fear win. Fear isn’t real until we make it real, pain isn’t something to be afraid of. We always have freedom. There will be a bit of discomfort but it will pass as you push through the tide.

For the first time in my life, I understand myself. I have found my identity and have the capability to be amazing, that’s good enough for me. Be there for yourself and the world will be there for you, and you will appreciate it more and that will only bring more positivity to you and the world. Don’t let anyone blow out your light, it’s too precious.