It’s all a cycle, don’t give up yet.

I hate life at the moment I won’t lie. I said something terrible to someone I love and I am apologetic for it. Sometimes life just cuts you at the knees right as you see the finish line. You just sit there with your broken legs, crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

I want to let you know that this is part of life. We live in a life cycle that sometimes repeats itself. It’s frustrating I know, but so what, you’re still here aren’t you? I think life is better when you have a support system, whether it’s friends or family or strangers, anyone will do as long as they have best interests at heart for you. Yes I know it’s difficult in this day and age but it’s not impossible. I talk to the Samaritans when I’m experiencing the dark hole and they always come through for me, so a lot of thanks to them. I have people around me who make life a little easier and I’m grateful for those people too.

The good news about life is that, it’s born of polarity, so it means where there is negativity, there’s bound to be positivity eventually. I think that’s what we have to hold onto. I know some negative experiences cannot be undone or taken back, but trust me, someone will at least give you some ice cream. In order for us to grow, we need to experience difficult things and learn from them. We are stronger than we let ourselves believe. I saw this quote on Instagram and it said that trees grow their leaves each summer, only to shed them in winter, only to grow new leaves the next summer. I don’t know if trees feel the cold during winter but wouldn’t you feel like giving up if you always lost your leaves the moment you needed them the most? Enjoy the positivity while you have it so that when the negative comes, you have no regrets. And we’re human, we can actually prepare for most things so that the negativity doesn’t hit as hard.

As someone who struggles with mental illness, I have come to appreciate the negative world but I also know there is good stuff where that came from. I think we have come to believe in positive things only as a society, we celebrate success but shun failure, but it has advantages too. Without failure we wouldn’t be able to succeed, sometimes positivity comes with a negative attached to it. No one has it all, not all the time at least, even rich people experience death and sickness, no amount of positivity is free from it’s negative counterpart.

So what I am trying to say in a long-winded fashion is always work for positivity but don’t forget to prepare for the negativity too. Appreciate the positive and live every second like that’s the only moment that matters, because maybe then you won’t fall too far in when negativity knocks at your door. Just because the worst keeps happening, or just because the first half of your life has been difficult, don’t give up, because you might find that positive experiences are waiting for you in the future. Don’t let negativity define you, only you define yourself.

Work hard, rest, repeat.

It is difficult climbing up the ladder. There are all types of ladders from success to everyday goals to just surviving. We live in a fast world where all that matters is the next step. We are always moving and striving; late nights, early mornings, busy schedules. I think Covid19 saved most of us from burning out.

There is a time for work and a time for rest. Most people these days don’t appreciate rest. Five hours of sleep isn’t really the best for your body, but I guess some say they will rest when the die. I mean everyone is entitled to whatever it is they want, but I am writing this for those who feel guilty taking a rest. They’re afraid of what others might be achieving while they rest, but the truth is there is enough success to go around. You can only do so much before your body starts complaining. I remember when one celebrity was admitted in hospital for something serious but instead of resting, she went on to appear at a big event the next day, and people celebrated that. I personally don’t see why they do, people are not machines and when you work hard it’s important to take a few days off.

Days off can be for lazying around or they can be for reflecting on your achievements. Taking the time to appreciate how far you have come and being grateful actually gives you strength to fight another day. It gives you clarity and helps you re-tune your mind towards the goals you are yet to accomplish. With rest, your mind and body are rejuvenated giving you that purpose to go stronger. Sometimes it’s just good to look back and recognise how far you have come and how much you have done to be in this moment. To take time to realise the people around you and the circumstances that have built you up, I think it’s satisfying. I think by doing this, you don’t feel unrealistic pressure because you know yourself and you stop comparing yourself with other people and start enjoying your journey because you know that life is forever giving and taking.

Mindfulness, meditation, life is in this moment, and it’s this moment that helps create tomorrow and give yesterday meaning. I hope next time you feel yourself overextended, you will take the time to recenter your mind and will not feel guilty for it because rest is part of making life. I hope you will engage in some self-care, releasing all the negative energy and proceeding to climb that ladder with more enthusiasm and determination. You know why, because you deserve it.

Disappointment.

You know what’s painful, going backwards. I did something bad that I am not proud of. I thought I had gotten over it but then I did it again. I don’t understand how to be normal. I am trying so hard but I just can’t. My emotions are always haunting me, stalking, wanting to drag me down. I mean why, what did I do to deserve this pathetic life of emotional turmoil? Was I so much of a bad person in my past life or something? Is the devil just fascinated by my resilience?

I have a cat, so I would like to out live him but the thought of the future frightens me. I feel sorry for him, I wish I could give him more but sometimes it’s difficult. I don’t know why I put so much pressure on myself, why do I have to be a somebody? I just want to live a life that’s enough for me but I don’t know what that means anymore. So many people in my mind, expectations and all that stuff that makes me feel guilty for just wanting a simple life.

The world is literally falling apart, how am I supposed to keep sane? Life was better before because at least it was only in my head, now it’s everywhere. Ignorance isn’t bliss either because no man is an island. I do wish I lived on an island faraway though, my cat would roam around feeling free in nature, and I’d not have people stressing me out. I hate people these days because we have all become so shallow and it’s killing me. There’s just so many things that are wrong, I was definitely born in the wrong century.

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I just feel wrong. I imagine that if I had no mental illness, had a good environment growing up, my life would be joyful. I remember when I was young, smart, fun-loving, happy but then it all came crashing down. I do have some good memories since then, I relive them every chance I am reminded of them. I think most people in my life think I live in the past but I’m just taking solace in things that I have gone through because I don’t know if I can hope for a better future.

This is definitely not a fairy-tale.

Achieving goals.

My doctor once said that I put too much pressure on myself, really? I am 26 and I am still struggling to get stuff done, why wouldn’t I put pressure on myself. This is not where I want to be and achievement will not come from me spending my days sleeping. Trust me I’d rather sleep, but then might as well be dead so I try to do as much as I can. Slow and easy does it I guess. I try to do at least one productive task each day because then I am slowly getting closer to my goals. I think most people think that everyone should be taking giant leaps to success and living the fast life, and I say to hell with them. I am happy you are able to do that but please don’t add more pressure to what I’m already experiencing.

It’s hard not to compare yourself in this day and age, but we need to try and keep from doing that. It doesn’t really help us mere mortals. Depression kicks in, disability restrains us, life gets stressful and things sometimes don’t add up, that is when taking it slow is the best option. You are not just sitting and waiting but you’re taking small steps which will later turn into bigger steps and then accomplishment. Sometimes I just laugh in disbelief because of how far I’ve come, God and the universe are always by your side, just let Them help you. By concentrating on what’s within and having tunnel vision towards your goal, you won’t regret your life because you are slowly making your life into what is the best for you. I believe in you and me, so let’s show the world that we can achieve our goals at our own pace, because life is for everyone.

Depressed but strong.

**This content might be triggering**

I have been on this earth for twenty-six years now. What I’ve learned – loneliness, neglect, hate, pain, and tears. Yes, once in a while I’m given love but most times I don’t even know why I don’t give up on life. Most times that small hope of love does not seem worth the struggle.

There are a lot of people who have been through hell and some are currently going through it. You want to cry, to bleed, to give up but no, you carry on. You carry on because you know that no one cares, that no one will come and pick you up. You know that you’ll only be stunting yourself if you let the darkness win. There is no choice but for you to carry on because no one will feel sympathy for you and the last thing you want is to receive pity. What does pity do, it just stares at you and shakes it’s head in disappointment. Who needs that when they’re already down?

When I look at the life I’ve lived so far, I realise how much people have disappointed me. Some people are so quick to judge or to make it seem like they’d carry your cross but only one person helped Jesus Christ with his, they had to even force him. Some even denied Him at His time of need yet they pretended they’d go to the moon and back for Him. To me words are meaningless, material things mean nothing. I can talk to myself and I can buy myself things, but I cannot draw strength or motivation from such. I don’t understand why someone will say they are your friend if they’re not ready to act it. Labels, silly things really, why do we hold onto them?

I am not yet even halfway through an average life span and I am already tired. I feel like I have been walking on this earth forever yet I have nothing to show for it. I have been blaming my past, people and all sorts but the truth is, it’s all up to me. I was born alone and I will die alone. Why do I feel like I’m owed love, ha-ha, no one owes me anything, not even my father now that I am an adult. It’s funny when I think about how much I’ve spent longing for something like that. Just because I am a giving person doesn’t mean anyone owes me anything. I don’t even owe anyone my life, if I wanted to commit suicide I am free to do that, but yet here I am, still holding on.

Why do I hold on, I call this stupidity, mediocre. The truth is that my life is better these days compared to what it was a few years ago. I am more productive and I get a good amount of fulfilment from hobbies, studies and stuff. I am slowly progressing through life like any normal person would and you know why, because of me. I wake up everyday and look at the numerous ways in which I could kill myself but I choose life. People don’t know the stuff in my brain, some people do but are ignorant, and others they have helped by doing their jobs. Yes I am just a job for other people. Some were genuine and helped, they threw a floater out for me, and I am really grateful for those people. But at the end of the day, the truth is I am the reason I am no longer floating in the sea, I am on land now.

I still struggle and wish I had someone to help me but screw it, people aren’t dependable. It’s worse when you are mentally ill as well because who wants to associate with that, only a few do. Sometimes I think the reason happiness is always eluding me is because I still keep bad company. I have given up on the idea that people are kind and caring. I don’t believe in love nor do I believe my life will ever be what I want. I still cry at night but then I wake up the next day and pretend I’m normal. I smile and I am kind to an extent. I still don’t know why I do it, but here I am just as you are here. It’s that little glimmer of hope, love, success, happiness that keeps us going. Will we ever give up, a curious thought indeed.

Emotional Pain

I think people underestimate emotional pain. Most people don’t understand how it feels to have a broken heart, one that’s been constantly broken by the people who are so-called family, friends, partners, workmates etc. A broken heart can even be caused by a stranger, watch your words, they hurt more than anything. They cause a deep pain that takes a lot to heal. Unlike physical wounds, emotional pain can’t be easily fixed by the body. The brain already has so much to deal with, keeping you awake, remembering things, learning things and so on, it’s unfair to add emotional pain to that.

Everyone hurts even those people who aren’t quick to show their pain. Most people who don’t quickly show their pain is because they have been so hurt that if they showed it they’d crumble. Crumble under all the hate they have to process, and some people don’t have time for that. To be crippled by your own brain because it allowed other people’s hate to sip in and cause havoc in it’s peaceful calm. How dare you bring such pain to another, have you never experienced that sort of pain yourself, and what does it help spreading that? You know people kill themselves over that, and a person can actually die from heartache, how cruel can one be?

I personally think the worst emotional pain of all is the loss of someone important. People don’t realise how they affect each other, so much pain can be prevented by a simple act of emotional kindness. Touch, the most important gift to humans, don’t ruin it by turning it into pain. A mixture of physical and emotional pain, coming from a source of hatred with the intent of causing emotional havoc, that’s what some people inflict. Is it so difficult to show love, somebody tell me because it doesn’t make sense to me?

The next time you do something that causes pain, cuss yourself and learn from your mistake. Maybe you don’t have empathy, well you know what if you can feel pain then you can feel empathy, that’s what I believe. If you don’t feel pain, then you are a lucky bastard and should count your blessings but that doesn’t equal to you causing others pain. Or maybe we don’t understand what causes pain to others, THEN LEARN AND UNDERSTAND. I have no time for pain these days, anyone who causes me pain is cut off and trust me when I say I don’t feel guilty for that. Life isn’t meant to be lived in pain, especially one that is preventable. So what am I saying, your happiness and a life lived full of love is what you deserve, don’t let anyone take that away from you. No amount of emotional pain is worth it, so let go of that pain and the cause of it. Life is too short, we don’t need more bitter people in this world. Show love and receive love, we are worth that love.

 

Manumission

It’s that time of the year again,

The songs, smells, sounds,

It’s all so familiar.

Familiar in my mind,

Yet it’s a different year.

What is it about the smell of rain,

It brings forth feelings of longing,

An emotion that I cannot explain.

Suddenly I feel no room for my beating heart,

I want to scream, shout, and explode.

I am a soul stuck in a body,

And the wind is calling to me,

‘Fly away with me’ it says,

But my body,

I am not ready to leave it.

Just like that the feeling goes,

The smell of rain becomes just that.

Another opportunity lost,

Maybe next year I will be ready,

But until then my heart settles on a dream.

Studying with Depression

Today I cried because I couldn’t understand a topic. I just sat there, looking down at my textbook, tears running down my face. I had been reading and rereading a topic but I still wasn’t getting it. I was going to write an email to my tutor explaining my inability to understand but that was even harder so the tears came down falling.

I feel like laughing at myself because it seems so silly. Never have I thought that studying would make me cry but then that’s just the tip of it. Trying to study whilst suffering with depression is painful. I don’t know if it’s normal to cry about not understanding something but this is the first time it’s ever happened to me. On top of all that emotional havoc, I have to deal with tiredness. I have come to see myself as a night owl because I cannot do anything during the day to save my life. I should be awake but I just sleep, even when I would have gone to bed as early as 9pm. There are deadlines to be met but my body doesn’t seem to understand that. Maybe I cried because finally after getting the motivation to study, I felt I was wasting that by not understanding what seemed like a simple concept.

I am always behind the study weeks,  I usually submit my assignment minutes before the deadline. I can only do so little work at a time before needing to nap or getting distracted. I know I have to do it for my own sake and because I enjoy the subject, but at times I can’t even motivate myself to get out of bed. I stay in bed daydreaming of graduation day and it makes me stressed and worried. Can I even get that far? I am not known to finish things so what if I mess this up. No wonder my eyes are filled with tears, they’re the only way I can soothe myself.

Sometimes I look at the page and all I see is individual letters. I can’t seem to make out the words, at other times I read but my mind isn’t there. I read a whole page and it’s as if I have been just staring at a blank page. Is this common, why does it happen so often. Sitting down to study is a gamble for me because I never know if I will make progress or not. Repetition is the worst, and it takes away my motivation. I mean what is the point of spending an hour on the same paragraph only to have to reread it again tomorrow because I zoned out one too many times.

I know this is all negative and yes, I have been struggling with this for a while. I finally decided to write about it in hopes that it will be therapeutic to me. Anyway I will try again tomorrow, because I know I am going to graduate with a well done. I am not going to give up, I mean a lot to myself to do that. I know that I am capable and that everyone goes through some sort of challenge. I mean with the whole coronavirus, it’s important that I use my time wisely because some people no longer have that opportunity. I am a survivor and I will not give up on my goals. I know I have accomplished other things in my life and this might just be another accomplishment in the making. So here I am, not giving up and looking forward to a better tomorrow.

The walk of resilience

Resilience becomes us
Seen in the world as the birds fly
Flying in the sky covered in dark clouds
Braving the wind
Letting it lift them up
Chasing the freedom of tomorrow
From one place to the other they fly.

The clouds are heavy
Ready to cry out on the world
Spreading love to the ground below
Blooming plants crave it
The water’s touch awakens them
Calling them out for the spring.

Cars sound in the distance
They splash the puddles
Rushing to and fro
Transporting people to their destinations
The cars cough out fumes
Protesting in their exhaustion
Waiting for that day of retirement.

I walk along on the pedestrian path
The wind is drawing all the warmth from me
The frost bites at my uncovered fingers
I shiver as I push against the wind
Sunny days are coming
I know this as I see the sun fight through the clouds
A world blessed with the power of resilience
I learn from nature
I take these lessons and apply them to my life
Because what is life if not the determination to stay alive?