Studying with Depression

Today I cried because I couldn’t understand a topic. I just sat there, looking down at my textbook, tears running down my face. I had been reading and rereading a topic but I still wasn’t getting it. I was going to write an email to my tutor explaining my inability to understand but that was even harder so the tears came down falling.

I feel like laughing at myself because it seems so silly. Never have I thought that studying would make me cry but then that’s just the tip of it. Trying to study whilst suffering with depression is painful. I don’t know if it’s normal to cry about not understanding something but this is the first time it’s ever happened to me. On top of all that emotional havoc, I have to deal with tiredness. I have come to see myself as a night owl because I cannot do anything during the day to save my life. I should be awake but I just sleep, even when I would have gone to bed as early as 9pm. There are deadlines to be met but my body doesn’t seem to understand that. Maybe I cried because finally after getting the motivation to study, I felt I was wasting that by not understanding what seemed like a simple concept.

I am always behind the study weeks,  I usually submit my assignment minutes before the deadline. I can only do so little work at a time before needing to nap or getting distracted. I know I have to do it for my own sake and because I enjoy the subject, but at times I can’t even motivate myself to get out of bed. I stay in bed daydreaming of graduation day and it makes me stressed and worried. Can I even get that far? I am not known to finish things so what if I mess this up. No wonder my eyes are filled with tears, they’re the only way I can soothe myself.

Sometimes I look at the page and all I see is individual letters. I can’t seem to make out the words, at other times I read but my mind isn’t there. I read a whole page and it’s as if I have been just staring at a blank page. Is this common, why does it happen so often. Sitting down to study is a gamble for me because I never know if I will make progress or not. Repetition is the worst, and it takes away my motivation. I mean what is the point of spending an hour on the same paragraph only to have to reread it again tomorrow because I zoned out one too many times.

I know this is all negative and yes, I have been struggling with this for a while. I finally decided to write about it in hopes that it will be therapeutic to me. Anyway I will try again tomorrow, because I know I am going to graduate with a well done. I am not going to give up, I mean a lot to myself to do that. I know that I am capable and that everyone goes through some sort of challenge. I mean with the whole coronavirus, it’s important that I use my time wisely because some people no longer have that opportunity. I am a survivor and I will not give up on my goals. I know I have accomplished other things in my life and this might just be another accomplishment in the making. So here I am, not giving up and looking forward to a better tomorrow.

The walk of resilience

Resilience becomes us
Seen in the world as the birds fly
Flying in the sky covered in dark clouds
Braving the wind
Letting it lift them up
Chasing the freedom of tomorrow
From one place to the other they fly.

The clouds are heavy
Ready to cry out on the world
Spreading love to the ground below
Blooming plants crave it
The water’s touch awakens them
Calling them out for the spring.

Cars sound in the distance
They splash the puddles
Rushing to and fro
Transporting people to their destinations
The cars cough out fumes
Protesting in their exhaustion
Waiting for that day of retirement.

I walk along on the pedestrian path
The wind is drawing all the warmth from me
The frost bites at my uncovered fingers
I shiver as I push against the wind
Sunny days are coming
I know this as I see the sun fight through the clouds
A world blessed with the power of resilience
I learn from nature
I take these lessons and apply them to my life
Because what is life if not the determination to stay alive?

Dissociation

Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.”

Disclaimer: The only way I can describe this is from my perspective.

I have had this for a while now but cannot pinpoint when it started nor do I understand it. I feel so lost and empty, unmotivated in life; as if I am just a shadow in a dark world. It’s frightening sometimes. I find myself being so detached that I cannot make sense of myself, of time, of my surroundings. It’s being stuck in my head with no emotion but just hollowness.

I wake up feeling somewhat weird. I do the normal things, eating, showering, taking a walk to the library. But I usually don’t know what I am doing, I don’t really experience it, like being on autopilot. I walk in a room with a motive, only to realise I don’t know what I’m doing. The next day, I wake up with little recollection of the day before, it’s as if it never happened. I have become used to it though, because what matters is the now and the future. The problem is when I forget to switch off the stove, to eat, to do important things because I am experiencing dissociation.

At times life seems so hopeless, as in there is no reason to live. I think about all the stuff I get up to, that I wish to do but only see a hollowness. At this moment I don’t even know what I am trying to accomplish with this post. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though because luckily for me, I don’t experience it everyday. It just does a hit and run, literally. There are times when I find it useful, for example when speaking in front of a crowd or just to postpone any inappropriate emotions. I learn to live with this in my life because there isn’t much help I can get.

I really don’t know why I have written this post, it doesn’t do any justice to what I go through and probably to what others go through. I know because it’s a symptom that I don’t talk about a lot. It’s as if I dissociate from my dissociation that it’s now just a personal thing. Only the people that hang around me everyday may be able to notice it’s effects on me and people at work would notice too. But I can’t even explain it to myself yet, it’s one of the parts of me that I find confusing. I will revisit this post at a later date, when I find understanding. For now though, I will just get on with my life as best as I have been doing.

A time for reflection.

Throughout the years, I have hated new year’s eve. I always felt like something had been missing and felt a dread deep within my soul. I longed for past memories and thought of the people I have lost, mainly my Mom. I am happy to say that this year is different, I am hopeful for the future.

I went through a lot of growth this year mentally and emotionally. These have been my areas of struggle throughout the years and it makes me want to cry just appreciating how far I have come. A lot of things happened this year that I can never wish to relive but all that made me a better person.

I look forward to 2020, hoping to continue on my journey of success and happiness. A lot of people have come and go, but I am happy that I still have a lot of people I can depend on. Relationships were mended and some were created, I am grateful for those people in my life. I received therapy to better my mental health and I have to say that this time around it worked. I learned how to believe in myself and become a strong individual. I continue everyday to hold strong to the lessons I have learnt, and will continue soaring higher and higher.

I am not afraid anymore and can feel my soul slowly opening up, getting closer to bursting into flames on this mysterious world of ours. I can only keep climbing and looking inwards, happiness has always been my number one goal, and I can feel it in the air I breathe.

But I will remain where the top begins;
‘Cause I am not a word, I am not a line;
I am not a girl that can ever be defined;
I am not fly, I am levitation.

~Nicki Minaj

 

Life, is complicated!

The ups and downs sometimes really feel like you’re on a roller coaster or are walking on unsteady ground.

You feel the ground trembling under your feet. How long can you keep walking, giving up feels a lot easier so you lie down but now your whole body is trembling from fear. The pitfall in this is that, now you are having to put up with this tension in your body, so you start to feel sick. Your only best option is the plan you gave up on in the first place.

Do you feel sick forever or get up and continue walking; be uncomfortable forever or only until you step onto safer ground. Change is uncomfortable but staying the same is self-defeating. Fear can only be conquered by doing more of the things we fear, the irony. I choose to find happiness, and I will get there no matter the struggles.

Lust

The deep waves of the ocean,

Rocking us into rhythm,

The taste of the salted waters,

The storm is coming.

To feel deep inside,

The explosion of two forces,

Where are we going,

To the depths of the sea.

The feeling of power,

Devoured by the tightness,

Crazed by the pulsing currents,

At shore we finally rest.

Angry

I am in a dark place,

A place so lonely the sound of a needle falling can be heard.

I wonder, why I am so.

It hurts inside.

Boiling, I feel my heart be heavy,

It’s difficult to breathe.

I feel sick, my stomach is turning.

Just taking a simple breath becomes near impossible.

People understand pain and anger.

Not a lot understand repression of it.

The skys turn blue, the sun comes out.

It brings brightness and never seizes to be a globe of fire.

Yet here I am, feeling the gloom of the world.

Freedom is an arm’s length away, but yet too far to reach.

What drives people, I am driven by madness.

Life is a mystery, everyone is mysterious.

Why do I feel a sense of grandeur in my pain.

Such a victim of my own mind.

Letters I write constantly to myself.

Be better, be okay, forever narrating my sob story.

Take me away, lay me in the middle of a calm sea.

Wash my burdens away and make me whole again.

I cry in the sorrows of my life but life is just that.

I don’t understand anything, so, do I open that door?

A door of darkness, no, I live to fight another day.

The day is close but try I will, to keep that door closed.

Life does get better, it’s nothing but emotional pain.

Everything will be alright.