Dissociation

“Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.”

Disclaimer: The only way I can describe this is from my perspective.

I have had this for a while now but cannot pinpoint when it started nor do I understand it. I feel so lost and empty, unmotivated in life; as if I am just a shadow in a dark world. It’s frightening sometimes. I find myself being so detached that I cannot make sense of myself, of time, of my surroundings. It’s being stuck in my head with no emotion but just hollowness.

I wake up feeling somewhat weird. I do the normal things, eating, showering, taking a walk to the library. But I usually don’t know what I am doing, I don’t really experience it, like being on autopilot. I walk in a room with a motive, only to realise I don’t know what I’m doing. The next day, I wake up with little recollection of the day before, it’s as if it never happened. I have become used to it though, because what matters is the now and the future. The problem is when I forget to switch off the stove, to eat, to do important things because I am experiencing dissociation.

At times life seems so hopeless, as in there is no reason to live. I think about all the stuff I get up to, that I wish to do but only see a hollowness. At this moment I don’t even know what I am trying to accomplish with this post. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though because luckily for me, I don’t experience it everyday. It just does a hit and run, literally. There are times when I find it useful, for example when speaking in front of a crowd or just to postpone any inappropriate emotions. I learn to live with this in my life because there isn’t much help I can get.

I really don’t know why I have written this post, it doesn’t do any justice to what I go through and probably to what others go through. I know because it’s a symptom that I don’t talk about a lot. It’s as if I dissociate from my dissociation that it’s now just a personal thing. Only the people that hang around me everyday may be able to notice it’s effects on me and people at work would notice too. But I can’t even explain it to myself yet, it’s one of the parts of me that I find confusing. I will revisit this post at a later date, when I find understanding. For now though, I will just get on with my life as best as I have been doing.

A time for reflection.

Throughout the years, I have hated new year’s eve. I always felt like something had been missing and felt a dread deep within my soul. I longed for past memories and thought of the people I have lost, mainly my Mom. I am happy to say that this year is different, I am hopeful for the future.

I went through a lot of growth this year mentally and emotionally. These have been my areas of struggle throughout the years and it makes me want to cry just appreciating how far I have come. A lot of things happened this year that I can never wish to relive but all that made me a better person.

I look forward to 2020, hoping to continue on my journey of success and happiness. A lot of people have come and go, but I am happy that I still have a lot of people I can depend on. Relationships were mended and some were created, I am grateful for those people in my life. I received therapy to better my mental health and I have to say that this time around it worked. I learned how to believe in myself and become a strong individual. I continue everyday to hold strong to the lessons I have learnt, and will continue soaring higher and higher.

I am not afraid anymore and can feel my soul slowly opening up, getting closer to bursting into flames on this mysterious world of ours. I can only keep climbing and looking inwards, happiness has always been my number one goal, and I can feel it in the air I breathe.

But I will remain where the top begins;
‘Cause I am not a word, I am not a line;
I am not a girl that can ever be defined;
I am not fly, I am levitation.

~Nicki Minaj

 

Life, is complicated!

The ups and downs sometimes really feel like you’re on a roller coaster or are walking on unsteady ground.

You feel the ground trembling under your feet. How long can you keep walking, giving up feels a lot easier so you lie down but now your whole body is trembling from fear. The pitfall in this is that, now you are having to put up with this tension in your body, so you start to feel sick. Your only best option is the plan you gave up on in the first place.

Do you feel sick forever or get up and continue walking; be uncomfortable forever or only until you step onto safer ground. Change is uncomfortable but staying the same is self-defeating. Fear can only be conquered by doing more of the things we fear, the irony. I choose to find happiness, and I will get there no matter the struggles.

Lust

The deep waves of the ocean,

Rocking us into rhythm,

The taste of the salted waters,

The storm is coming.

To feel deep inside,

The explosion of two forces,

Where are we going,

To the depths of the sea.

The feeling of power,

Devoured by the tightness,

Crazed by the pulsing currents,

At shore we finally rest.

Angry

I am in a dark place,

A place so lonely the sound of a needle falling can be heard.

I wonder, why I am so.

It hurts inside.

Boiling, I feel my heart be heavy,

It’s difficult to breathe.

I feel sick, my stomach is turning.

Just taking a simple breath becomes near impossible.

People understand pain and anger.

Not a lot understand repression of it.

The skys turn blue, the sun comes out.

It brings brightness and never seizes to be a globe of fire.

Yet here I am, feeling the gloom of the world.

Freedom is an arm’s length away, but yet too far to reach.

What drives people, I am driven by madness.

Life is a mystery, everyone is mysterious.

Why do I feel a sense of grandeur in my pain.

Such a victim of my own mind.

Letters I write constantly to myself.

Be better, be okay, forever narrating my sob story.

Take me away, lay me in the middle of a calm sea.

Wash my burdens away and make me whole again.

I cry in the sorrows of my life but life is just that.

I don’t understand anything, so, do I open that door?

A door of darkness, no, I live to fight another day.

The day is close but try I will, to keep that door closed.

Life does get better, it’s nothing but emotional pain.

Everything will be alright.

Trust

Trust is something hard to come by. How do you trust someone as human as you? If you do trust, will it be worth it.

What makes a person trustworthy? I ask because I find that people toss around that word without really thinking what that word means. Someone may ask me to trust them, why should I put my heart on the line like that? Are people really that easy to trust, and what happens when they break that trust? Why do people need trust to establish relationships if they know that the person will one day break their trust?

I am loyal to myself hence the reason why I don’t trust just anyone. Why do people get put off if you try to test them before you trust them? Isn’t it natural that I would want to protect myself. Life is too short to give myself away to anyone who asks  for my trust. Trust to me means that I am giving my soul to the person I’m trusting. I understand that people make mistakes but do I trust that the person will be upfront when it comes to confessing their pitfalls. I know that I find it difficult to admit it, but I do it out of my self-values of honesty. How many people believe in honesty these days? How do you trust someone who is a liar? I don’t live in a court so I’m not going to swear everyone on the bible when I ask them a question.

I hurt so easily and have high standards. I understand the world from my perspective because it’s the only set of eyes I was given. When I think about a blind person, I wonder why they trust people will lead them to the right location. How can someone who doesn’t see do that, is it because they have no other option? Do they believe that people are good? Do I believe that people are good, and if I don’t, why don’t I?

I love my pet, I trust it. I understand that it will act instinctively every time, but humans are not like that. They are unpredictable and if one person says one thing, doesn’t mean that everyone will say it. People have different motives in different situations. I can’t  trust, I really can’t but there’s nothing wrong with trusting someone. I guess it’s what makes living in this world a little easier. If we didn’t trust each other then we’d be plotting against each other at every turn. Our world would be more chaotic than it is. I try to compensate my inability to trust with compassion. That is one thing I’m able to do regardless of the person, I guess some people just aren’t meant to be able to trust. Maybe one day I’ll find someone worth trusting but until then I will keep myself out of harm’s way, whatever harm means.