“Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.”
Disclaimer: The only way I can describe this is from my perspective.
I have had this for a while now but cannot pinpoint when it started nor do I understand it. I feel so lost and empty, unmotivated in life; as if I am just a shadow in a dark world. It’s frightening sometimes. I find myself being so detached that I cannot make sense of myself, of time, of my surroundings. It’s being stuck in my head with no emotion but just hollowness.
I wake up feeling somewhat weird. I do the normal things, eating, showering, taking a walk to the library. But I usually don’t know what I am doing, I don’t really experience it, like being on autopilot. I walk in a room with a motive, only to realise I don’t know what I’m doing. The next day, I wake up with little recollection of the day before, it’s as if it never happened. I have become used to it though, because what matters is the now and the future. The problem is when I forget to switch off the stove, to eat, to do important things because I am experiencing dissociation.
At times life seems so hopeless, as in there is no reason to live. I think about all the stuff I get up to, that I wish to do but only see a hollowness. At this moment I don’t even know what I am trying to accomplish with this post. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though because luckily for me, I don’t experience it everyday. It just does a hit and run, literally. There are times when I find it useful, for example when speaking in front of a crowd or just to postpone any inappropriate emotions. I learn to live with this in my life because there isn’t much help I can get.
I really don’t know why I have written this post, it doesn’t do any justice to what I go through and probably to what others go through. I know because it’s a symptom that I don’t talk about a lot. It’s as if I dissociate from my dissociation that it’s now just a personal thing. Only the people that hang around me everyday may be able to notice it’s effects on me and people at work would notice too. But I can’t even explain it to myself yet, it’s one of the parts of me that I find confusing. I will revisit this post at a later date, when I find understanding. For now though, I will just get on with my life as best as I have been doing.