Today I cried because I couldn’t understand a topic. I just sat there, looking down at my textbook, tears running down my face. I had been reading and rereading a topic but I still wasn’t getting it. I was going to write an email to my tutor explaining my inability to understand but that was even harder so the tears came down falling.
I feel like laughing at myself because it seems so silly. Never have I thought that studying would make me cry but then that’s just the tip of it. Trying to study whilst suffering with depression is painful. I don’t know if it’s normal to cry about not understanding something but this is the first time it’s ever happened to me. On top of all that emotional havoc, I have to deal with tiredness. I have come to see myself as a night owl because I cannot do anything during the day to save my life. I should be awake but I just sleep, even when I would have gone to bed as early as 9pm. There are deadlines to be met but my body doesn’t seem to understand that. Maybe I cried because finally after getting the motivation to study, I felt I was wasting that by not understanding what seemed like a simple concept.
I am always behind the study weeks, I usually submit my assignment minutes before the deadline. I can only do so little work at a time before needing to nap or getting distracted. I know I have to do it for my own sake and because I enjoy the subject, but at times I can’t even motivate myself to get out of bed. I stay in bed daydreaming of graduation day and it makes me stressed and worried. Can I even get that far? I am not known to finish things so what if I mess this up. No wonder my eyes are filled with tears, they’re the only way I can soothe myself.
Sometimes I look at the page and all I see is individual letters. I can’t seem to make out the words, at other times I read but my mind isn’t there. I read a whole page and it’s as if I have been just staring at a blank page. Is this common, why does it happen so often. Sitting down to study is a gamble for me because I never know if I will make progress or not. Repetition is the worst, and it takes away my motivation. I mean what is the point of spending an hour on the same paragraph only to have to reread it again tomorrow because I zoned out one too many times.
I know this is all negative and yes, I have been struggling with this for a while. I finally decided to write about it in hopes that it will be therapeutic to me. Anyway I will try again tomorrow, because I know I am going to graduate with a well done. I am not going to give up, I mean a lot to myself to do that. I know that I am capable and that everyone goes through some sort of challenge. I mean with the whole coronavirus, it’s important that I use my time wisely because some people no longer have that opportunity. I am a survivor and I will not give up on my goals. I know I have accomplished other things in my life and this might just be another accomplishment in the making. So here I am, not giving up and looking forward to a better tomorrow.
