Gifs that speak to me – Part 3

*Trigger Warning*

I just feel like crying,
I am not sad,
I am emotional,
Watching a cat,
Gaze at the rain,
I feel my heart,
It’s just so heavy,
I wonder,
What will set them off,
My tears to fall,
Do I even want to feel the emotion?
I just want to cry.

I didn’t expect this,
My heart,
It’s pumping,
It’s for you.

I was cold but now I feel,
I feel your warmth wash over me,
I can’t contain myself,
I didn’t think I’d come alive again.

I had forgotten,
How beautiful it is to love,
And here you are,
Standing in front of me,
All I can see are your gentle eyes,
Your smile brings joy,
It gives me butterflies,
I am on cloud 9.

Oh how I’ve longed for this.

When life doesn’t make sense,
You sit there just thinking,
Thinking about the realities,
But even if it feels okay,
You worry whether it will last.

You just sit there,
You take in every breath in,
And wonder why life has spared you?
You’re not moved by your troubles,
But should you?

The struggles are real for all of us,
You start to realise that no one ever wins,
But then it doesn’t bother you,
You’re doing well enough,
That’s all that matters…..right?

Gifs that speak to me – Part 2

*Trigger Warning*

Your beauty stands tall,
It is the representation of a nation,
The depth of your soul carries love,
Love for humanity’s unity.

Black, white, brown,
You embrace them all in your soul,
You are more than existence,
You are nature.

When my mind is clouded……
I feel misery…..
Am I blinding myself……..
But how can I live without you……..

……..you calm me down,
……..and yet you make me feel better,
……..to the poison you are,
……..when you free my mind?

I wonder how deep you are,
As I contemplate my life.
Where did I go wrong,
Why am I here.

Your calming waters call to my soul,
I feel the chill of death,
Will I find answers,
Am I ready for this?

Life is so complicated,
I am on the edge of reason,
You remind me of the person I used to be,
Why do you torture me,
Showing me my reflection,
Letting me know of what I’m losing.

I am not ready for this,
For now I will stare at your depths,
I will find hope,
I will unload my burdens onto you,
So they can be lost in the darkness of your soul.
You have healed me.

Gifs that speak to me – Part 1

Such a refreshing taste,
Quenching my thirst,
Mesmerising as I look at my cup being filled.

I am stuck in a trance,
Being drowned by the depths of my cup,
I am taken to a place of peace and serenity as I sip,
Relaxation becomes me.

I lay on the soft green grass,
I stare at the trees as they dance to the wind’s music,
It’s such a joy that summer brings,
Lost in the forest,
Finding the voice of nature,
Filled by the life it provides.

The city never sleep,
A constant stream of business,
Life waits for no one,
Work, work in the shadows,
No rest for the wicked,
We only need electricity,
Our source of wakefulness.

Negativity

Negativity to me comes in many forms. It can be internal that is in your brain or external that is from your environment and relationships. I usually have a problem with external negativity, but internal negativity is more of a battle for me.

I feel like as much as we can be all positive, we always have to realise that negativity is part of life. We go through good days and bad days. I know that negativity is something that comes and goes, so the most important thing to me is to not obsess about it. I feel that we need to acknowledge it but not be afraid of it. It’s a normal part of life, the problem arises when negativity is constantly there, that’s when change is needed, a dose of positivity.

Positivity comes in many forms, from having a clean, orderly environment to using positive affirmations to get us thinking more positively about ourselves. Personally I love to use music to bring that positivity to life. When I’m having a bad mental health day, I like to sit on my sofa with headphones listening to upbeat music, eventually I find myself dancing on the floor enjoying myself. It makes me feel good. Having a clean place is also very helpful I find, it just releases that stress in a unique way. These are my strategies for dealing with internal negativity. At times it’s just letting those negative emotions out on a piece of paper that you throw away or burn after, letting go of that negativity. My therapist says I have a tendency to run away from my emotions, so he encourages me to sit with the emotions, without judgement, just let them come and go without fear, it does help to be honest. It’s a bit like meditation.

Now moving on to the external negativity, I feel like I find it difficult dealing with this one because there are only so many things we can do to control external things and people. Controlling people is very negative not only for yourself but for the individual you’re trying to control. Letting people be is the most logical thing to do. I feel that if you have negative people around you, it is time to distance yourself from them. It’s about keeping yourself safe and finding connections that are positive to your mental health and to your growth. Unfortunately, we find that some are our family members, long time friends, professionals we work with, but you have to put yourself first in these situations. It is important to at least tell them respectfully if they make you feel terrible, but bring solutions as well instead of just attacking them. I find it better to just reduce contact because I don’t like conflict especially brought by me, it’s about working to your strengths and never backing down when it comes to your health and confidence.

Basically, these are my ways of dealing with negativity. I try to find the positive in difficult situations I can’t change. I am no therapist or professional in psychology but I feel some of these are well-known, it’s just sometimes we need someone to help us realise that these are healthier coping strategies. I would like to hear from you if you have any more useful ways of dealing with negativity. It will be useful to me and anyone else wanting to remove as much negativity in their lives. I hope you find this helpful, so many resources on the internet, it’s about finding ones that help.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

~Serenity Prayer

Changes and moving forward.

When did you first realise you had a mental illness? What was life like when you were a child, let’s say between 5 and 11, who were you as an individual? Were you a fun loving person? Were you just good at stuff? Were you adventurous? Some people never have that period of happiness. Their mental illness is there from the day they were born. Some develop their mental illness during those crucial years because of a toxic environment from abuse to living in a war zone or even being poor. Some develop mental illness during adulthood, stress from work, abusive relationships, lack of opportunities, bereavement. While some have good secure lives, a good family, good income, and good opportunities. Anyone can be plagued by misfortune and well some just don’t go through such difficult times.

I was watching a movie, the lead character had a bad childhood only because of poverty. She makes it out of that only to have a setback where her friend betrays her. She takes longer to achieve her dream but within a few years, she’s back on top. She eventually finds love and settles down, going on to achieve even bigger dreams. Another movie goes like so, a couple invest in a company with all their savings only to realise it was a scam. They go through a period of hardship and the wife eventually leaves. At this time they had a son, but she leaves anyway without the child. The dad has to try making money whilst trying to get a well paid job. Him and his son are put through serious stress, they end up homeless and trying to just get through each day. All this time the dad did not give up on that well paid job, he did his training and gave it his all. Eventually he gets through training and gets the job. In both of these stories, none of them ever gave up on their dreams and themselves. And then the story of Ray Charles!

In my life, I was lucky to have a period of happiness. I knew I was different, I didn’t fit in, but guess what I was happy. I remember as a child I had bad anxiety, I couldn’t speak in front of people and I cried a lot. People made fun of me so eventually I got sick of them and worked on being able to speak in front of a crowd. Now, I don’t even struggle with that, sure I get normal anxiety before, just like everyone does, but once I’m on stage, I just flow, no tears, no stammering. Depression and mental illness eventually caught up with me though, I totally gave up. I was so out of self esteem that I thought I’d end up an alcoholic, drug abusing prostitute. I think that’s been my lowest point in life so far, and hopefully it never gets worse than that. Then bam, one day I just couldn’t take it anymore. Who the heck had I become? Is this what I was destined to? Three years of this, feeling lost, suicidal, worthless. I needed change and I don’t know what or who to call it, but IT heard me and pulled me up out of that darkness.

I’m still trying to get used to it. I had a lot of support. From the moment I was born until now, there have been good people in my life. And in that sense, I understand what my cousin meant when she said God still sends his angels. There is always light even when it seems like the darkness is devouring us. I got out of severe depression through people believing in me, being there for me, it’s the best investment in anyone’s life. Sure at the time it didn’t click to me but eventually it all adds up. A great support system will have you moving mountains. Sometimes it’s just the little glimmer of hope inside our hearts and minds that gets us to the place we want. At times it’s that supportive partner, parent, friend, doctor, therapist, even medication. I am seriously grateful that I’ve found antidepressants that work, and my doctor and I have found a way to manage doses according to my mood swings and symptoms. I have met people at opportune moments who have instilled confidence in me. People can be terrible but there are still good people out there and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s not about depending on these things or people but it’s about allowing that support to build you up so you are able to stand alone. Don’t let that moxie die.

Watching inspirational movies helps me realise that everyone goes through setbacks. It might be things we will never be able to control or it might be things we can control, the secret is knowing what’s what. I am in no way perfect, I still have days of sadness, but at least it’s no longer depression. I do think about suicide once in a while, but I choose life. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had any serious challenges lately, maybe I’m celebrating immaturely, maybe I’m going through mania, but what I know is I haven’t been depressed for more than a month at a time for a while and for me, that’s a lot of hope. Therapy has given me coping strategies that I turn to when in crisis, I have motivational and positive quotes and images on my bedroom wall. If that doesn’t help me trick my brain into being happy then I’ll just keep adding and using more ways to get there. I once had goals, I gave up on them, they changed and now I have new ones. I can’t tell you that you’ll recover from your disability or mental illness or physical illness but I know there are people who have achieved their dreams who once walked in your shoes and some achieve things even while they have these challenges. Life is not easy for anyone, we all go through periods of good and bad, it’s about being strategic and a believer in yourself and having even one person who believes in you. Plus sometimes we might never have what we want but that doesn’t mean giving up on yourself just means changing your outlook.

I hope that we can all get to where we want to be. It’s okay if you’re happy where you are. It’s okay if there isn’t much you feel you can do, just be content with yourself and free yourself from guilt. The answers are usually within us, let’s not be scared to get to know ourselves as individuals, maybe it will help us love ourselves more and live better lives. If you’re an adult reading this, then there’s nothing getting in your way anymore. Let’s use the resources present to us and build something great for ourselves. Always remember there are good people out there too.

What is important in life?

Sometimes I just like to sit down and listen to music, get lost in the revelations of life. Today I ask myself, what is important to me. What makes me smile, and makes me calm and happy? Freedom.

Freedom is an underrated notion that people either take for granted, misuse and sometimes it’s not even accessible. When I was young, I used to dream about it a lot but then I realised that there is one place I am free, in my mind. I can be whoever I want, I can be whatever I want and do whatever I want. I would create these great worlds where I was either a superhero or just a business entrepreneur, I’d be the rich woman that everyone looked up to, young girls wanted to grow up to be me. I liked that idea and the older I got I became a bold type. I stood up for myself, I knew what I was worth, I am working on being an amazing person and I am helping others achieve their dreams. Freedom is indeed important.

In a society where everyone is just the same, be unique. Claim your freedom, look deep inside and use your human rights. I know some people are struggling through war, famine, disasters etc, but it’s important to not let your mind be imprisoned by those tyrants, those bullies, those abusers, your mind is your weapon. You might show a sad face out there but let your mind be filled with your place of happiness. Dream big and then later when you have the opportunity, make that freedom a reality and don’t even apologise for it. Everyone deserves a free life full of peace, love, happiness and success, whatever that looks like.

I sometimes forget about this freedom of mine. Trauma haunts my dreams and the days feel like hell. I am not perfect, I know that, I become hard on myself trying to fit in, follow the crowd, forgetting that friend of mine, freedom. It’s tough I won’t lie, everyone is trying to control us in some way, and we try to control other people. But when you just take a step back and think realistically, it’s the freedom that creates opportunities for real love, real happiness and real success because then people are able to be whatever it is they need to be for themselves without serving a specific idea created by another, especially if it does not coincide with that person’s life path.

Freedom matters a lot because it paves way for so much more whether it’s freedom in our minds or in reality. Creativity and freedom go hand in hand, it makes sense to make it a part of your life as much as you can. Life is too short to live as a prisoner. Mental illness does make it difficult sometimes, with conditions like schizophrenia or psychosis, it’s painful but we can even use lucid dreaming to learn freedom. We can use freedom in reality to create freedom within, and by using freedom of expression we can try to defeat those conditions by allowing them to flow out of out system using creativity. Realising we have control of our minds can also help us negotiate terms with those little lodgers in our brains so we are all free to be happy.

Well maybe I have gone too far with sharing my views and fantasies about freedom, but I’d rather say it than let it rot inside my brain. I just hope that I have inspired you to reconsider freedom and maybe try to achieve it even if it’s just going to a happy place in your mind. Please take care of this human right and make it grow stronger within you because each and everyone of us deserves and needs it.

Why am I?

I think to myself a lot of the difficulty I’m facing in my life. I feel so fragmented most of the time, separated in my mind. Since the day I was born until now, I have lost the sense of being a human being. My mind is jumbled up and my mind darts from an internal locus of control to an external locus of control.

I have been obsessed with social media for a while now. A place where only the successful succeed. I can’t believe I fell into that fad and found myself down a rabbit hole trying to be a multi-talented entrepreneur with a 9-5 day job. I laugh at myself really, because this is pressure that has been put on me by myself. I am not an above average person, I love Rihanna but I am not an enternainer nor do I have the money to create a successful brand. I am not a businesswoman in that sense, nope I just want a normal life. I want a normal 9-5 job where I get to have a single hobby that challenges me from time to time. I am definitely not wanting to be InstaFamous anymore. I am just a normal human being.

In the past three years I lost my sense of reality and I am trying to get back to the normal I was when I first found my freedom. But the past can’t be repeated, I am now just trying to piece my life together. I think I’ll start reading philosophy again because I feel like I just had amnesia and I am trying to relearn my happiness strategies again. All I ever wanted to be was an Administrator but now I’m studying Psychology. Before wanting to be an Administrator, I wanted to be a Graphic Designer. Before I wanted to be a Graphic Designer, I wanted to be an Artist. My dad wants me to be a lot of things, mostly based on monetary gain, the rest of my family want me to be an over-achiever as if my health doesn’t matter.

At this point in my life I just want to be able to accomplish one long term goal, because so far I haven’t really achieved anything I am personally proud of. Actually I’m lying, I have achieved so much. I am on the verge of defeating depression and past trauma, I am on the verge of completing my house decoration, I am completing my first year in a few weeks, I finally finished playing the first Assassin’s Creed, I write on this blog every month, I am finally within a healthy weight range. I have achieved a lot and I am proud of that. I am happy with my mediocre life, I am satisfied, I don’t even see it as mediocre, it’s my version of happiness.

I don’t live for other people, I live for myself and sometimes I forget that. It’s the reason I like writing, a great way of documenting my thoughts especially when they’re prone to being carried away with the wind. This way, getting back home is easier and faster, and I can live my life in happiness knowing I am happy the way I am.

Impending Doom.

*Trigger warning*

I open my eyes, it’s morning again, a new day, a new opportunity. I stare at the ceiling thinking of what needs to be done today. My mind starts going; study, art, design, fashion, dance, write, paint, cat, diy…..stop. I take a deep breath,’it’s okay’ I say to myself. Everything is pushed into that little box at the back of my mind.

I can feel it, my headache is starting, ‘calm down’ I say, ‘it’s nothing.’ Who am I kidding though, I can feel the tasks nagging, at this point I don’t even want to get out of bed. ‘STOP PROCRASTINATING!’ Now my heart is heavy, I am becoming sad, but why? I jump out of bed and boom, ignorance is bliss, pretending everything is alright. I remember my therapist saying that I should sit with the emotions, what emotions, I don’t feel anything, just heaviness and strain. My brain doesn’t even want to make a move lest it explodes. I don’t want to think or even be present, it’s really weird. I am here but not really here. Part of my mind is shut down, no neurotransmitters working, I could eat, bath, do stuff and it won’t register in my mind, it’s happening again.

Why do I let myself get into this state, avoidance is clearly not helping, I can’t postpone stress, or can I? Will it catch up with me, definitely, but I just want to stay in my little cocoon of happiness. Maybe I should just go back to sleep, sleep forever if I can, dream about things that I could never do in real life. Here I go again, living in my mind. I’m sitting at my desk, it’s 7.pm, how did I get here, where has the time gone. I need to submit my assignment before midnight, I have to do the best I can to remember what I’ve studied when my mind wasn’t even fully present. I did get a Pass last time though, maybe I can do it again, maybe I just work better under pressure. ‘You have so much potential,’ they say, I know they’re right, imagine what I could accomplish if I didn’t procrastinate. That darkness haunts me, laughing in my face, I’ll never achieve anything, I’m just a loser, people are liars. My brain is hurting, I feel like crying, but I’m not weak anymore so I won’t.

I am locked inside my brain, forever screaming, just waiting for that day I completely lose it. Well, I’ve completed my assignment, one thing off the list, hm, maybe I can do this. One by one I will complete tasks, it might take me an entire lifetime but if it helps, why change it. My mind is satisfied as I close my eyes, I should be more kind to myself. What was I afraid of, maybe tomorrow I’ll try accomplishing two things and so on. I guess today is not the day, but I know it’s there in the background, it’s just a matter of time.

Rain

The rain brings with it some beautiful emotions. It brings happiness, joy, playfulness and love. I feel the emotions deep inside of me, crying for release. The raindrops are beautiful to watch as they run down alongside the window. There is a calm in the air at midnight right before I close my eyes. It’s a melody, a music that brings about the best dreams, perfect for soul connections if you believe in that sort of stuff.

The rain is such a mystery to the soul. It brings with it sorrow, hurt, pain and loneliness. Staring into the dark abyss of the skies above, wondering if we are truly alone. The cold creeps in through the cracks bringing the dread of winter. More blankets will be needed soon, and coupling will be in everyone’s mind, even if it’s only for the cuddles. I cry through the night as sad memories are replayed in my mind to the rhythm of the rain.

Rain, water, serenity, depth, how I rejoice and mourn in the wake of nature’s gifts.

It’s all a cycle, don’t give up yet.

I hate life at the moment I won’t lie. I said something terrible to someone I love and I am apologetic for it. Sometimes life just cuts you at the knees right as you see the finish line. You just sit there with your broken legs, crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

I want to let you know that this is part of life. We live in a life cycle that sometimes repeats itself. It’s frustrating I know, but so what, you’re still here aren’t you? I think life is better when you have a support system, whether it’s friends or family or strangers, anyone will do as long as they have best interests at heart for you. Yes I know it’s difficult in this day and age but it’s not impossible. I talk to the Samaritans when I’m experiencing the dark hole and they always come through for me, so a lot of thanks to them. I have people around me who make life a little easier and I’m grateful for those people too.

The good news about life is that, it’s born of polarity, so it means where there is negativity, there’s bound to be positivity eventually. I think that’s what we have to hold onto. I know some negative experiences cannot be undone or taken back, but trust me, someone will at least give you some ice cream. In order for us to grow, we need to experience difficult things and learn from them. We are stronger than we let ourselves believe. I saw this quote on Instagram and it said that trees grow their leaves each summer, only to shed them in winter, only to grow new leaves the next summer. I don’t know if trees feel the cold during winter but wouldn’t you feel like giving up if you always lost your leaves the moment you needed them the most? Enjoy the positivity while you have it so that when the negative comes, you have no regrets. And we’re human, we can actually prepare for most things so that the negativity doesn’t hit as hard.

As someone who struggles with mental illness, I have come to appreciate the negative world but I also know there is good stuff where that came from. I think we have come to believe in positive things only as a society, we celebrate success but shun failure, but it has advantages too. Without failure we wouldn’t be able to succeed, sometimes positivity comes with a negative attached to it. No one has it all, not all the time at least, even rich people experience death and sickness, no amount of positivity is free from it’s negative counterpart.

So what I am trying to say in a long-winded fashion is always work for positivity but don’t forget to prepare for the negativity too. Appreciate the positive and live every second like that’s the only moment that matters, because maybe then you won’t fall too far in when negativity knocks at your door. Just because the worst keeps happening, or just because the first half of your life has been difficult, don’t give up, because you might find that positive experiences are waiting for you in the future. Don’t let negativity define you, only you define yourself.