What awaits me??

A new year has come finally. I don’t know if I actually wanted to see this year but here we are celebrating. We are hoping that this year will be better, that we will experience every moment of everyday and remember each month unlike last year. I am grateful to God for this opportunity to build something better in 2021.

Where am I in life? Well it’s not my birthday yet so I’ll partly answer this. I am at a place where I have managed to shed dead weight. I think a lot of us have been on that boat, letting go of useless relationships. We went through a lot and we realised who was really a friend and who was only there for a ride. Unfortunately the ride was rough and we got to see a lot of who people are, and that has been a great thing to realise. I actually don’t understand why sometimes we allow those relationships to continue. I have achieved a lot and I realised this year how strong and tough I am. The Universe or God, was with me, but it’s always been there and I feel disgusted by how some people try to take the credit. The great thing is the truth always comes out and you start to appreciate the spirit and guidance within.

Lockdown was a mess, it still is but I think most of us are getting the hang of it now. People have died but people die everyday. We as a human race are always trying to control death and nature, feeling paranoid when we realise we can’t control everything and are vulnerable. No matter how much we develop in technology, medicine or just within ourselves we can’t always come up at the top. Almost giving up at the face of a challenge but thank God some of us are always there to pave the way, I mean frontline workers, scientists, good leaders and our support networks. Here we are giving thanks to them and not forgetting ourselves, because we got up and carried our weight. We learnt how to relax and just let nature run it’s cause, we found ourselves and maybe lost ourselves, but here we are, still breathing, life is really something.

Continuing the journey this year, well I know I have a long bucket list and I am going to live life in every moment of everyday. If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that nothing is guaranteed, anything can happen to upset the world so I will stop apologising for being myself and take back the life nature gave me. You are never too old or too young or too anything to experience the best of life. Why should we let someone else take charge of us? We are individuals, unique to ourselves and yet too many of us throw that away, for what, approval? Did that approval save you from lockdown, probably not, I think it’s high time we know our priorities and work on them no matter what because we deserve it, that’s why we were given our lives.

Yeah, I think that’s it. I am grateful for my life through the hard times and good times, it inspires me and drives me. Life is what you make it and I will make mine liveable for as long as I can.

Pain!

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Pain!

You break me down and build me up, believer, believer

Pain!

Oh, let the bullets fly, oh, let them rain

My life, my love, my drive, it came from…

Pain!

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer.

-Imagine Dragons

They mean well….

Times like this you wonder what goes on people’s minds when they tell you how ‘everything is going to be alright’. After having a call with my doctor, I just sat on my bed thinking about how pointless the conversation had been. I appreciated him taking the time to talk to me, but then I realised that he wouldn’t have known what to say anyway.

“It’s up to you,” and it is. There are times when the people we seek help from just aren’t able to help because they can’t experience what we’re going through. They say some things we might find condescending but to them it’s the best they can help. They want to be there for us or even fix our problems but the truth is no one has all the answers. At least when we look inside we can try to understand what is happening and sometimes we actually pull ourselves out of those dark times.

Everyone this year has been struggling albeit in different levels of pain. But pain is pain, when everyone is on the same boat, all people care about is saving themselves and it’s not bad. I actually have taken that sort of mentality, I save myself then think about how to save others once I am able to. Dependency is important for children, it’s difficult as an adult but luckily there’s people in helping professions that still try to help us all.

What have we given back, and I am not saying this because it’s that time of year, it’s just sometimes we need to just say thank you to the relevant people if and when we can. Most of us have good intentions when giving and helping, we just want to see others experience happiness as much as we are. But be careful, because there will be some who pretend to be helpful when all they want is to use you. At those times it’s better to walk away than bring more suffering and toxicity in your life.

Hopefully this helps you understand that not everyone will be helpful and at times they just can’t. It doesn’t reflect on you but on their abilities and who they are. Let’s appreciate each other more.

Red lights!

The evil creeps in, slithering like the serpent it is.

It is cold and looking for a soul,

What more can I offer in this situation.

Failure is a sacrifice that I cannot afford.

I am not afraid of fighting the diabolic,

I have enough energy to get me through the night.

Faces stare as I walk through its shadow,

I give a grin for I have a secret under my sleeve.

I slowly draw the sword prescribed to me by the gods,

Only I saw this coming and I feel the pride as I walk.

They fall on their feet in respect and fear,

I am not one to contend with.

I look the evil right in it’s dark hollow eyes,

I feel my heart shrivel but my spirit didn’t come here to give up.

All I can see is red, but I am hear to draw blood,

So nothing will stand in my way.

A mind wandering.

Life is a series of mysteries. It is full of constant surprises and it’s weird in that we can sometimes create those mysteries through out actions. We have been surviving as a race for years and yet some people never make it to adulthood. Life is something we sometimes take for granted, not realising that at any moment we could die.

What a gloom start, but that’s the reality. This period of coronavirus is nothing new, but yet we treat it so carelessly because we have science and medicine on our side. We walk around like nothing could touch us but the reality is that people are still dying everyday for different reasons. Life is very giving sometimes, and is patient with us. Some go through life only knowing happiness yet others experience suffering until their date of death.

The world is our oyster they said, whatever that means. I think there comes a time in each of our lives where we reach some kind of enlightenment, we see the world for what it is and start to appreciate it for that. At times we reach a point of realisation that life has an end date, yet there is so much out there to do. This is one thing I don’t understand about life, we only have so much time given to each of us, and we don’t really know when we’ll die. We wake up each day and that’s it, another chance to be alive and then we die as we sleep. Some don’t make it to the next day, they die in their sleep and some die during that day, “today”.

In between those states of being awake and dead, we have a vast amount of things to engage in no matter our life situation. Each life is given opportunities whether small or big, but how in the world are we supposed to engage in all of them? A lot of people choose to specialise in something from a young age, they go on to be great at that and they use that to be alive. Some of course are jacks of all trades, trying to fit just about everything they can in each day they are given by life. The funny thing is there is no right or wrong answer to it, it’s all about how your heart feels at the end of it all.

I like to think in the long term but nothing is guaranteed so there is always that feeling of unrest, doing things now but also planning for the future just in case. I think everyone does that actually, we like to think we’re immortal, “don’t think about it, well until a certain age or until it catches up with you.” But I think the best thing is to remind ourselves once in a while that we have been given that privilege to be alive, life has spared us, let us pursue our dreams, goals and happiness. I think that’s what I appreciate about life the most, even when I don’t feel deserving Life gives me another day to be alive and for that I am grateful.

Life is what we make it and I feel that no matter your plan, all that matters is that your heart and mind are at least happy and content. Life keeps giving but there will always be that day when it stops, I hope you don’t fear that day, but be able to put as much time and effort in being alive. In appreciating opportunities and in cherishing the time we have with our loved ones. Let’s not take things for granted but forever work deliberately on creating a life worth living for ourselves and for others as well regardless of the situations presented to us.

Gifs that speak to me – Part 3

*Trigger Warning*

I just feel like crying,
I am not sad,
I am emotional,
Watching a cat,
Gaze at the rain,
I feel my heart,
It’s just so heavy,
I wonder,
What will set them off,
My tears to fall,
Do I even want to feel the emotion?
I just want to cry.

I didn’t expect this,
My heart,
It’s pumping,
It’s for you.

I was cold but now I feel,
I feel your warmth wash over me,
I can’t contain myself,
I didn’t think I’d come alive again.

I had forgotten,
How beautiful it is to love,
And here you are,
Standing in front of me,
All I can see are your gentle eyes,
Your smile brings joy,
It gives me butterflies,
I am on cloud 9.

Oh how I’ve longed for this.

When life doesn’t make sense,
You sit there just thinking,
Thinking about the realities,
But even if it feels okay,
You worry whether it will last.

You just sit there,
You take in every breath in,
And wonder why life has spared you?
You’re not moved by your troubles,
But should you?

The struggles are real for all of us,
You start to realise that no one ever wins,
But then it doesn’t bother you,
You’re doing well enough,
That’s all that matters…..right?

Gifs that speak to me – Part 2

*Trigger Warning*

Your beauty stands tall,
It is the representation of a nation,
The depth of your soul carries love,
Love for humanity’s unity.

Black, white, brown,
You embrace them all in your soul,
You are more than existence,
You are nature.

When my mind is clouded……
I feel misery…..
Am I blinding myself……..
But how can I live without you……..

……..you calm me down,
……..and yet you make me feel better,
……..to the poison you are,
……..when you free my mind?

I wonder how deep you are,
As I contemplate my life.
Where did I go wrong,
Why am I here.

Your calming waters call to my soul,
I feel the chill of death,
Will I find answers,
Am I ready for this?

Life is so complicated,
I am on the edge of reason,
You remind me of the person I used to be,
Why do you torture me,
Showing me my reflection,
Letting me know of what I’m losing.

I am not ready for this,
For now I will stare at your depths,
I will find hope,
I will unload my burdens onto you,
So they can be lost in the darkness of your soul.
You have healed me.

Gifs that speak to me – Part 1

Such a refreshing taste,
Quenching my thirst,
Mesmerising as I look at my cup being filled.

I am stuck in a trance,
Being drowned by the depths of my cup,
I am taken to a place of peace and serenity as I sip,
Relaxation becomes me.

I lay on the soft green grass,
I stare at the trees as they dance to the wind’s music,
It’s such a joy that summer brings,
Lost in the forest,
Finding the voice of nature,
Filled by the life it provides.

The city never sleep,
A constant stream of business,
Life waits for no one,
Work, work in the shadows,
No rest for the wicked,
We only need electricity,
Our source of wakefulness.

Negativity

Negativity to me comes in many forms. It can be internal that is in your brain or external that is from your environment and relationships. I usually have a problem with external negativity, but internal negativity is more of a battle for me.

I feel like as much as we can be all positive, we always have to realise that negativity is part of life. We go through good days and bad days. I know that negativity is something that comes and goes, so the most important thing to me is to not obsess about it. I feel that we need to acknowledge it but not be afraid of it. It’s a normal part of life, the problem arises when negativity is constantly there, that’s when change is needed, a dose of positivity.

Positivity comes in many forms, from having a clean, orderly environment to using positive affirmations to get us thinking more positively about ourselves. Personally I love to use music to bring that positivity to life. When I’m having a bad mental health day, I like to sit on my sofa with headphones listening to upbeat music, eventually I find myself dancing on the floor enjoying myself. It makes me feel good. Having a clean place is also very helpful I find, it just releases that stress in a unique way. These are my strategies for dealing with internal negativity. At times it’s just letting those negative emotions out on a piece of paper that you throw away or burn after, letting go of that negativity. My therapist says I have a tendency to run away from my emotions, so he encourages me to sit with the emotions, without judgement, just let them come and go without fear, it does help to be honest. It’s a bit like meditation.

Now moving on to the external negativity, I feel like I find it difficult dealing with this one because there are only so many things we can do to control external things and people. Controlling people is very negative not only for yourself but for the individual you’re trying to control. Letting people be is the most logical thing to do. I feel that if you have negative people around you, it is time to distance yourself from them. It’s about keeping yourself safe and finding connections that are positive to your mental health and to your growth. Unfortunately, we find that some are our family members, long time friends, professionals we work with, but you have to put yourself first in these situations. It is important to at least tell them respectfully if they make you feel terrible, but bring solutions as well instead of just attacking them. I find it better to just reduce contact because I don’t like conflict especially brought by me, it’s about working to your strengths and never backing down when it comes to your health and confidence.

Basically, these are my ways of dealing with negativity. I try to find the positive in difficult situations I can’t change. I am no therapist or professional in psychology but I feel some of these are well-known, it’s just sometimes we need someone to help us realise that these are healthier coping strategies. I would like to hear from you if you have any more useful ways of dealing with negativity. It will be useful to me and anyone else wanting to remove as much negativity in their lives. I hope you find this helpful, so many resources on the internet, it’s about finding ones that help.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

~Serenity Prayer

Changes and moving forward.

When did you first realise you had a mental illness? What was life like when you were a child, let’s say between 5 and 11, who were you as an individual? Were you a fun loving person? Were you just good at stuff? Were you adventurous? Some people never have that period of happiness. Their mental illness is there from the day they were born. Some develop their mental illness during those crucial years because of a toxic environment from abuse to living in a war zone or even being poor. Some develop mental illness during adulthood, stress from work, abusive relationships, lack of opportunities, bereavement. While some have good secure lives, a good family, good income, and good opportunities. Anyone can be plagued by misfortune and well some just don’t go through such difficult times.

I was watching a movie, the lead character had a bad childhood only because of poverty. She makes it out of that only to have a setback where her friend betrays her. She takes longer to achieve her dream but within a few years, she’s back on top. She eventually finds love and settles down, going on to achieve even bigger dreams. Another movie goes like so, a couple invest in a company with all their savings only to realise it was a scam. They go through a period of hardship and the wife eventually leaves. At this time they had a son, but she leaves anyway without the child. The dad has to try making money whilst trying to get a well paid job. Him and his son are put through serious stress, they end up homeless and trying to just get through each day. All this time the dad did not give up on that well paid job, he did his training and gave it his all. Eventually he gets through training and gets the job. In both of these stories, none of them ever gave up on their dreams and themselves. And then the story of Ray Charles!

In my life, I was lucky to have a period of happiness. I knew I was different, I didn’t fit in, but guess what I was happy. I remember as a child I had bad anxiety, I couldn’t speak in front of people and I cried a lot. People made fun of me so eventually I got sick of them and worked on being able to speak in front of a crowd. Now, I don’t even struggle with that, sure I get normal anxiety before, just like everyone does, but once I’m on stage, I just flow, no tears, no stammering. Depression and mental illness eventually caught up with me though, I totally gave up. I was so out of self esteem that I thought I’d end up an alcoholic, drug abusing prostitute. I think that’s been my lowest point in life so far, and hopefully it never gets worse than that. Then bam, one day I just couldn’t take it anymore. Who the heck had I become? Is this what I was destined to? Three years of this, feeling lost, suicidal, worthless. I needed change and I don’t know what or who to call it, but IT heard me and pulled me up out of that darkness.

I’m still trying to get used to it. I had a lot of support. From the moment I was born until now, there have been good people in my life. And in that sense, I understand what my cousin meant when she said God still sends his angels. There is always light even when it seems like the darkness is devouring us. I got out of severe depression through people believing in me, being there for me, it’s the best investment in anyone’s life. Sure at the time it didn’t click to me but eventually it all adds up. A great support system will have you moving mountains. Sometimes it’s just the little glimmer of hope inside our hearts and minds that gets us to the place we want. At times it’s that supportive partner, parent, friend, doctor, therapist, even medication. I am seriously grateful that I’ve found antidepressants that work, and my doctor and I have found a way to manage doses according to my mood swings and symptoms. I have met people at opportune moments who have instilled confidence in me. People can be terrible but there are still good people out there and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s not about depending on these things or people but it’s about allowing that support to build you up so you are able to stand alone. Don’t let that moxie die.

Watching inspirational movies helps me realise that everyone goes through setbacks. It might be things we will never be able to control or it might be things we can control, the secret is knowing what’s what. I am in no way perfect, I still have days of sadness, but at least it’s no longer depression. I do think about suicide once in a while, but I choose life. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had any serious challenges lately, maybe I’m celebrating immaturely, maybe I’m going through mania, but what I know is I haven’t been depressed for more than a month at a time for a while and for me, that’s a lot of hope. Therapy has given me coping strategies that I turn to when in crisis, I have motivational and positive quotes and images on my bedroom wall. If that doesn’t help me trick my brain into being happy then I’ll just keep adding and using more ways to get there. I once had goals, I gave up on them, they changed and now I have new ones. I can’t tell you that you’ll recover from your disability or mental illness or physical illness but I know there are people who have achieved their dreams who once walked in your shoes and some achieve things even while they have these challenges. Life is not easy for anyone, we all go through periods of good and bad, it’s about being strategic and a believer in yourself and having even one person who believes in you. Plus sometimes we might never have what we want but that doesn’t mean giving up on yourself just means changing your outlook.

I hope that we can all get to where we want to be. It’s okay if you’re happy where you are. It’s okay if there isn’t much you feel you can do, just be content with yourself and free yourself from guilt. The answers are usually within us, let’s not be scared to get to know ourselves as individuals, maybe it will help us love ourselves more and live better lives. If you’re an adult reading this, then there’s nothing getting in your way anymore. Let’s use the resources present to us and build something great for ourselves. Always remember there are good people out there too.

What is important in life?

Sometimes I just like to sit down and listen to music, get lost in the revelations of life. Today I ask myself, what is important to me. What makes me smile, and makes me calm and happy? Freedom.

Freedom is an underrated notion that people either take for granted, misuse and sometimes it’s not even accessible. When I was young, I used to dream about it a lot but then I realised that there is one place I am free, in my mind. I can be whoever I want, I can be whatever I want and do whatever I want. I would create these great worlds where I was either a superhero or just a business entrepreneur, I’d be the rich woman that everyone looked up to, young girls wanted to grow up to be me. I liked that idea and the older I got I became a bold type. I stood up for myself, I knew what I was worth, I am working on being an amazing person and I am helping others achieve their dreams. Freedom is indeed important.

In a society where everyone is just the same, be unique. Claim your freedom, look deep inside and use your human rights. I know some people are struggling through war, famine, disasters etc, but it’s important to not let your mind be imprisoned by those tyrants, those bullies, those abusers, your mind is your weapon. You might show a sad face out there but let your mind be filled with your place of happiness. Dream big and then later when you have the opportunity, make that freedom a reality and don’t even apologise for it. Everyone deserves a free life full of peace, love, happiness and success, whatever that looks like.

I sometimes forget about this freedom of mine. Trauma haunts my dreams and the days feel like hell. I am not perfect, I know that, I become hard on myself trying to fit in, follow the crowd, forgetting that friend of mine, freedom. It’s tough I won’t lie, everyone is trying to control us in some way, and we try to control other people. But when you just take a step back and think realistically, it’s the freedom that creates opportunities for real love, real happiness and real success because then people are able to be whatever it is they need to be for themselves without serving a specific idea created by another, especially if it does not coincide with that person’s life path.

Freedom matters a lot because it paves way for so much more whether it’s freedom in our minds or in reality. Creativity and freedom go hand in hand, it makes sense to make it a part of your life as much as you can. Life is too short to live as a prisoner. Mental illness does make it difficult sometimes, with conditions like schizophrenia or psychosis, it’s painful but we can even use lucid dreaming to learn freedom. We can use freedom in reality to create freedom within, and by using freedom of expression we can try to defeat those conditions by allowing them to flow out of out system using creativity. Realising we have control of our minds can also help us negotiate terms with those little lodgers in our brains so we are all free to be happy.

Well maybe I have gone too far with sharing my views and fantasies about freedom, but I’d rather say it than let it rot inside my brain. I just hope that I have inspired you to reconsider freedom and maybe try to achieve it even if it’s just going to a happy place in your mind. Please take care of this human right and make it grow stronger within you because each and everyone of us deserves and needs it.