FraGmenTed SelF

It’s weird as I sit up on my bed,

I don’t know what has happened.

Am I broken?

The false hopes I have developed,

Delusional?

I stare at my hands, is this really me?

What has become of me,

A stranger stares at me in the mirror,

What have I done to myself?

Emotions flood me, I am suffocating.

My mind racing, filled with distant memories.

I sip my tea,

I can’t remember how I started,

Why this time?

The feeling is unfamiliar yet very real,

Am I lost or am I still dreaming?

Wake up! The sun is shining,

No time for contemplation,

So I go on with my day,

Everything is NoRmaL.

Dreams come true!

The feeling within, that smell of victory. Achieve it. This is the moment to get up and reclaim ourselves, it’s never too late, no matter the falls. We transform and fly away to experience each new adventure that is in front of us. This moment is the one to experience. Life is a given nothing less. Nothing stands in front of us, we are not chained to our pasts.

I didn’t understand when I saw other people happy. I would remember it vaguely, it came in and out of my life constantly. The lessons were there but the core was unknown. Now though, I am happy to be where I’m supposed to be. It’s good to continue to hold on and go through the dark tunnels. It helps us find a new way of being, a healthier way. We feel alive and know how it feels to achieve freedom. Our hearts sing because we have finally achieved something we thought we would never achieve. It was scary letting go of the past, the continuous challenges, almost believing I deserved the mediocre, how wrong was I?

Everyday I wake up and I know who I am, but it’s never smooth sailing. The toxicity is always prying, looking for victims. We fall into self sabotage and forget, but then we remember who we are. At the moment of eureka, the lesson is lasered into our brains and we don’t go backward again. It’s time to move on to the real challenges, the challenges to be better in ourselves, to become the best version of ourselves. It’s in that moment you start winning at life. It comes naturally, negativity, toxicity, they no longer have an effect, only positivity comes your way. Even in hard times you have the tools to accomplish it all. Hardship makes for the best success stories. It’s putting the effort in and winning, the victory is the sweetest, try it, it’s available to everyone? It’s being resilient and constantly fighting against the tide never letting fear win. Fear isn’t real until we make it real, pain isn’t something to be afraid of. We always have freedom. There will be a bit of discomfort but it will pass as you push through the tide.

For the first time in my life, I understand myself. I have found my identity and have the capability to be amazing, that’s good enough for me. Be there for yourself and the world will be there for you, and you will appreciate it more and that will only bring more positivity to you and the world. Don’t let anyone blow out your light, it’s too precious.

Co-operation and team work

Life is complex, we are social beings and we live in environments that require us to work together. There are things such as love, care and kindness that help us lead better and fulfilling lives. I believe it’s been long since a great figure such as Jesus Christ affected our world on a large scale. Yes, we have the Dalai Lama but the truth is we live in a shallow world.

There is a lot of fakery going on in this world. I mean, it’s important to have self care and self-love but can we just appreciate that love and kindness have brought us a long way? I feel like a lot of people these days just care about the shallow things such as material wealth or perfect bodies and faces. There are lot of places in this world that still need to be developed and I don’t mean developed as in industrial, because we all know what that did to our earth. No, I mean developed in terms of access to education, peace, food and water.

Governments are supposed to be working together to better our world, not to make us paranoid about our religious beliefs. Does no one read the bible? And even if you’re an atheist or different religion, these are just basic concepts that we need to have better lives. We say that we are enlightened and yet there is more hate than ever, people are out for themselves and think giving money is for clout instead of genuine kindness. Does it really matter how and why it’s done, yes, because homeless people are not objects to be used, they are people.

Co-operation is important for our society. There is no point in asking people to help recycle if more and more rubbish keeps being produced. Companies and organisations around the world, people around the world need to put effort into making a change. We can’t allow sees to be destroyed because a certain government is greedy or stupid, it’s not like oxygen and carbon dioxide are divided into sections, no, if one country decides to create a large amount of carbon, we all suffer. When there is commotion in America about race, the whole world is affected. If there is a disease in China, yes, you guessed it. When are we going to learn how to play for the team.

I urge you as a reader of my blog, to help the world be better in anyway that you can. There are so many causes to stand for and support, there are so many problems in this world. We need to start acting civilised if we believe we are, we need to find new solutions and try new methods. We need to tackle things as they arise and we need to stop taking short cuts or taking the easy road because we’re not winning. Let’s put our heads together and do more for our world and the people around us. Let’s spread positivity, instead of negativity. We need to realise that everything is connected and looking at the bigger picture is important sometimes.

It’s okay to have a past, even if you’ve moved on.

I was just studying my course when it dawned to me how toxic I used to be. It was a shock really because it’s not everyday that I look at myself from a negative view point. I do have to say that it was needed.

Since 2019, I have been progressing positively through my life, including with my mental health. I have been so focused on everything positive and negative things outside of me. For example, I am able to register toxicity coming from other people. So when these thoughts of the past came up, it made me appreciate how far I’ve come. I kid you not when I say I was toxic, quite frankly I was a mean person. I was always angry and I harboured a lot of hate within my heart that if I got slighted even the littlest, I would blow up. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it didn’t stop me acting out on those behaviours. It’s a sad thought really.

Some things I did because I was broken and I was scared. I just wanted things that seemed so far out of reach, and a lot of people were affected by it, fortunately though these things were more internal than external. I used up a lot of people’s time being toxic and living in my doom and gloom, no wonder no one wanted to be around me much. It’s funny how when we are in that mentality sometimes we don’t realise how toxic we are. We know there’s toxicity but our ego and pride won’t let us take responsibility, we become afraid of facing it, we reject ourselves. I have to say that I thank God or the Universe, my guardian angel because I am a changed person.

My past exists but lucky for me, I got a push within me to change, to be better. I did it for myself and that’s made the biggest impact. I got to a point where I was just sick of where I was, that’s just not who I was as a child. I needed to heal those wounds and find peace. It is a tough road because I am still learning but the challenge is worth it. I have changed my environment, discarded old ways and I will not let my past haunt me, but I will look at it as a testimony that having healthy self-love is the key to freedom. Yes the past still tries to hold me back but I refuse to go backward, I am a new person, responsible for my behaviours and I believe in love and kindness and I will not let anyone take that away from me. There may be times when people show up from the past and accuse me of my past but I am apologetic, that person is no longer here so I won’t entertain those backward thoughts anymore. I see my past as a tragedy but I have risen and found peace and developed myself to be who I am today.

What I have to say to you reading this is, never let your past dictate your present. There will be people in your life who try to hold you back, thoughts might try to hold you back but don’t let them win. Remember that change is possible and it can be long term if only you allow it to. Being toxic is never the way to live, let’s want better for ourselves. Don’t be afraid of change especially if you know who you are won’t get you what you want. Change and be the things you want, feel the freedom within yourself, as an adult you don’t owe anyone else anything but you owe yourself freedom and peace that doesn’t come at the expense of someone else’s. Life is precious, let’s make the most of it by being the best version of ourselves in a positive way. The past is gone, who you are now is what matters, let’s only move forward into the light of positivity and navigate negativity in a loving way that helps us grow. Let’s change the way we think about the past, just embrace it, understand it, make peace with it, let it go and move on to be a better person because that’s what matters the most.

Drama

Drama, Drama, where am I?

Stop trying to find, I don’t like you.

You make life miserable, you are no friend,

Wasn’t I clear, begone with you!

My friend, my friend, you’ve left me wanting.

I want to play with you, give me attention,

I promise it will be fun, you’ll feel important again.

What is life without me?

Drama, who says I need you,

My life is well and fulfilled, I feel calm and happy.

Stop trying to ruin things, I actually enjoy life without you.

You’re a parasite, only destroying lives for your fulfilment,

Life is easy without you, headaches are gone, what is worry?

I am in no mood for you, my back turned I don’t see you.

Go bother someone else, you’re not needed here, don’t ever come back!!

What awaits me??

A new year has come finally. I don’t know if I actually wanted to see this year but here we are celebrating. We are hoping that this year will be better, that we will experience every moment of everyday and remember each month unlike last year. I am grateful to God for this opportunity to build something better in 2021.

Where am I in life? Well it’s not my birthday yet so I’ll partly answer this. I am at a place where I have managed to shed dead weight. I think a lot of us have been on that boat, letting go of useless relationships. We went through a lot and we realised who was really a friend and who was only there for a ride. Unfortunately the ride was rough and we got to see a lot of who people are, and that has been a great thing to realise. I actually don’t understand why sometimes we allow those relationships to continue. I have achieved a lot and I realised this year how strong and tough I am. The Universe or God, was with me, but it’s always been there and I feel disgusted by how some people try to take the credit. The great thing is the truth always comes out and you start to appreciate the spirit and guidance within.

Lockdown was a mess, it still is but I think most of us are getting the hang of it now. People have died but people die everyday. We as a human race are always trying to control death and nature, feeling paranoid when we realise we can’t control everything and are vulnerable. No matter how much we develop in technology, medicine or just within ourselves we can’t always come up at the top. Almost giving up at the face of a challenge but thank God some of us are always there to pave the way, I mean frontline workers, scientists, good leaders and our support networks. Here we are giving thanks to them and not forgetting ourselves, because we got up and carried our weight. We learnt how to relax and just let nature run it’s cause, we found ourselves and maybe lost ourselves, but here we are, still breathing, life is really something.

Continuing the journey this year, well I know I have a long bucket list and I am going to live life in every moment of everyday. If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that nothing is guaranteed, anything can happen to upset the world so I will stop apologising for being myself and take back the life nature gave me. You are never too old or too young or too anything to experience the best of life. Why should we let someone else take charge of us? We are individuals, unique to ourselves and yet too many of us throw that away, for what, approval? Did that approval save you from lockdown, probably not, I think it’s high time we know our priorities and work on them no matter what because we deserve it, that’s why we were given our lives.

Yeah, I think that’s it. I am grateful for my life through the hard times and good times, it inspires me and drives me. Life is what you make it and I will make mine liveable for as long as I can.

Pain!

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Pain!

You break me down and build me up, believer, believer

Pain!

Oh, let the bullets fly, oh, let them rain

My life, my love, my drive, it came from…

Pain!

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer.

-Imagine Dragons

They mean well….

Times like this you wonder what goes on people’s minds when they tell you how ‘everything is going to be alright’. After having a call with my doctor, I just sat on my bed thinking about how pointless the conversation had been. I appreciated him taking the time to talk to me, but then I realised that he wouldn’t have known what to say anyway.

“It’s up to you,” and it is. There are times when the people we seek help from just aren’t able to help because they can’t experience what we’re going through. They say some things we might find condescending but to them it’s the best they can help. They want to be there for us or even fix our problems but the truth is no one has all the answers. At least when we look inside we can try to understand what is happening and sometimes we actually pull ourselves out of those dark times.

Everyone this year has been struggling albeit in different levels of pain. But pain is pain, when everyone is on the same boat, all people care about is saving themselves and it’s not bad. I actually have taken that sort of mentality, I save myself then think about how to save others once I am able to. Dependency is important for children, it’s difficult as an adult but luckily there’s people in helping professions that still try to help us all.

What have we given back, and I am not saying this because it’s that time of year, it’s just sometimes we need to just say thank you to the relevant people if and when we can. Most of us have good intentions when giving and helping, we just want to see others experience happiness as much as we are. But be careful, because there will be some who pretend to be helpful when all they want is to use you. At those times it’s better to walk away than bring more suffering and toxicity in your life.

Hopefully this helps you understand that not everyone will be helpful and at times they just can’t. It doesn’t reflect on you but on their abilities and who they are. Let’s appreciate each other more.

Red lights!

The evil creeps in, slithering like the serpent it is.

It is cold and looking for a soul,

What more can I offer in this situation.

Failure is a sacrifice that I cannot afford.

I am not afraid of fighting the diabolic,

I have enough energy to get me through the night.

Faces stare as I walk through its shadow,

I give a grin for I have a secret under my sleeve.

I slowly draw the sword prescribed to me by the gods,

Only I saw this coming and I feel the pride as I walk.

They fall on their feet in respect and fear,

I am not one to contend with.

I look the evil right in it’s dark hollow eyes,

I feel my heart shrivel but my spirit didn’t come here to give up.

All I can see is red, but I am hear to draw blood,

So nothing will stand in my way.

A mind wandering.

Life is a series of mysteries. It is full of constant surprises and it’s weird in that we can sometimes create those mysteries through out actions. We have been surviving as a race for years and yet some people never make it to adulthood. Life is something we sometimes take for granted, not realising that at any moment we could die.

What a gloom start, but that’s the reality. This period of coronavirus is nothing new, but yet we treat it so carelessly because we have science and medicine on our side. We walk around like nothing could touch us but the reality is that people are still dying everyday for different reasons. Life is very giving sometimes, and is patient with us. Some go through life only knowing happiness yet others experience suffering until their date of death.

The world is our oyster they said, whatever that means. I think there comes a time in each of our lives where we reach some kind of enlightenment, we see the world for what it is and start to appreciate it for that. At times we reach a point of realisation that life has an end date, yet there is so much out there to do. This is one thing I don’t understand about life, we only have so much time given to each of us, and we don’t really know when we’ll die. We wake up each day and that’s it, another chance to be alive and then we die as we sleep. Some don’t make it to the next day, they die in their sleep and some die during that day, “today”.

In between those states of being awake and dead, we have a vast amount of things to engage in no matter our life situation. Each life is given opportunities whether small or big, but how in the world are we supposed to engage in all of them? A lot of people choose to specialise in something from a young age, they go on to be great at that and they use that to be alive. Some of course are jacks of all trades, trying to fit just about everything they can in each day they are given by life. The funny thing is there is no right or wrong answer to it, it’s all about how your heart feels at the end of it all.

I like to think in the long term but nothing is guaranteed so there is always that feeling of unrest, doing things now but also planning for the future just in case. I think everyone does that actually, we like to think we’re immortal, “don’t think about it, well until a certain age or until it catches up with you.” But I think the best thing is to remind ourselves once in a while that we have been given that privilege to be alive, life has spared us, let us pursue our dreams, goals and happiness. I think that’s what I appreciate about life the most, even when I don’t feel deserving Life gives me another day to be alive and for that I am grateful.

Life is what we make it and I feel that no matter your plan, all that matters is that your heart and mind are at least happy and content. Life keeps giving but there will always be that day when it stops, I hope you don’t fear that day, but be able to put as much time and effort in being alive. In appreciating opportunities and in cherishing the time we have with our loved ones. Let’s not take things for granted but forever work deliberately on creating a life worth living for ourselves and for others as well regardless of the situations presented to us.